I had planned on featuring for tonight’s wankathon a spread of flaunty ‘real’ girls that I’d stumbled upon earlier. Unfortunately, I have just experienced a real selection of ‘real’ girls in that really real bastion of blandcore, Oxford. In what can only be described as one of the most depressingly dire of nights out in living memory, I was exposed to the full, frank, bare-bosomed ugliness of the personality-less hordes of Oxfordian nightcrawlers. The Carling Academy (which, in its defence, does host some excellent gigs which puts it into that annoying category of regretably relevant) is due the brunt of my rage. Some underage aspirational victims informed us that it was 80s night, thus supposedly explaining their crimped hair and horrendously bad outfits. My first assumption was that they just supposed this was what adults wore, having seen photos of their parents dressed similarly when they were in their 20s. Come to think of it, if they didn’t tell us it was 80s night I wouldn’t have been able to guess. Unless the DJ was being ironic and was just using 80s as an umbrella term for music from any year that is pretty forgettable and certainly not designed to be danced to. At least not danced to properly. An important distinction the distressingly featureless people sweating and swarming across the dancefloor should note. Does nobody know how to move with passion anymore? The closest I got to seeing anyone dance like they meant it was the obligatory group of quasi-emos who still try to get mainstream chicks. They did their usual mini-mosh bounce around but this was discounted from being interesting because they were only doing it to fulfil the unwritten duty of their demographic. Is everyone so self-conscious that they can’t let loose in a dark, dingy room filled with drunken idiots whose lusting eyes aren’t seeing with enough depth to criticise your movements? Tragic. Also, everyone was ugly. Not in the exciting sense, which is essentially just attractive but with a stronger taste, but in the dull, dull, fucking dull sense where there was nobody appealing enough to warrant any detailed scrutiny. I kind of just floated around trying to identify a person worth knowing. Then I got the bus home.
Well done Oxford; you’ve ruined my wank. An advisory message for anyone out there who’s following this wankathon and is still tempted to crack one out to these ladies: remember that the internet is here so you can avoid having to relate to real girls.
Another of my more shameful irresistable attractions is Gemma Atkinson, who’s worth mentioning because she’s about as ‘real girl’ as I’ll be willing to go from now on. Anyone deemed more real than her shall be avoided and anyone equally or less real are officially disingenous and thus my type. That and the fact that she looks pretty smoking in that picture. Maybe one day there’ll be a wankathon for you Gem. Until then however, you’re my litmus test for acceptable levels of reality and girliness.
I apologise for the stark realness of the above image. It’s purpose is to shock and offend. At the time of writing, the two girls caught in this photo are undergoing de-authenticity theraphy to increase their levels of fakeness. On a brighter note, the friend who’s sticking her lips in has since helped work herself to a level of disingeuity where her boyfriend Dave is only sure whether she exists or not 50% of the time. Well done to her.
Thought I’d leave you with this one. One of these girls is possibly real and the other might be fake. Alternatively, it could be the other way round. Either way, how did this situation come about and did the photographer not to think to take another shot with the disinterested less attractive/flaunty friend out of the way? Also, I thought they only drunk out of cups like that in American teen comedies? I’m not sure why the posing lady is so excited. Maybe it’s because the crappy wickery furniture in the background is her miserable friend’s? Which of these girls would you fuck and which would you chuck? Who’s more real?
More wankathon tomorrow featuring Christina Aguilera (pictured below, looking kinda ‘real’ but hot with huge boobs)
