Tag Archives: Music

8 things I might’ve written about over the last three months if I could’ve been bothered

Blogging is exactly like watching a US TV series, listening to indy music or doing something special at tiny, nauseating milestone events in a relationship. If you keep at it, it’s the greatest, most rewarding thing in the world. However, if you pause for too long, it’s all to easy to stop giving a shit and forget why you were so fussed about it in the first place. I mean, Travis!? The only half-decent song on The Man Who is the secret track and I can not be arsed to listen to 3 minutes of Slide Show followed by 4 minutes of silence. Bastards.

Well, that’s just one of the reasons why I haven’t updated Crunkfish in such a long, long time. To make up for this blip in my otherwise extremely blippy posting rate, I’m condensing all the nerve-pinchingly exciting stuff I might’ve considered blogging about over the last three months, but never did because (when it comes down to it) I simply couldn’t be bothered, into one overly long list. Indulge, young patrons of the inane.

1. Backdated Movie Reviews

justin_long_cunt

In an early effort to encourage some blogging, I bought a subscription to ilovefilm.com. The promise to myself was that every movie would be reviewed. This was broken quicker than the one I gave my girlfriend about not digging out great lumps of snot from my nose and wiping it on the side of sofa. Sadly, my first attempt (an intelligent critique of Die Hard 4.0) was so curmudgeonly cynical it depressed me even more than Justin Long’s face. A succession of stinkers didn’t help things (worth mentioning the honourable exception of The Devil Wears Prada – ah, that reminds me, I think I need to add “banging on about how much I love Anne Hathaway” on to this list) and so I ended up not really bothering. A new promise will be that the next movie review I write will NOT rely on sarcy comments and crude similes. Saying that, my last cinema trip took me to Transformers 2 and what Michael Bay doesn’t know about story-telling, character, emotion and, well, good directing, he more than makes up for in gargantuan action sequences that offer the depth of a brownie’s vagina – without offering any satisfaction.

2. Geek Fury

Over the past few months, I’ve been growing increasingly frustrated by the nonsense buzz surrounding Google’s Android operating system. I own a Google phone and it’s alright – definitely deserving of some noise, particularly some clamour over when another update will arrive that fixes some of the more obvious annoyances and preferably gives it a prettification. However, I don’t understand all this hype around rocking Android on a bloody netbook. For the non-geek, Android is an operating system for a touchscreen phone that offers a messy, bloated, impossible-to-navigate app store selling mostly pointless and overpriced apps useful only on a mobile phone. It seems to offer nothing for a netbook. Stop it.

3. My mates have released a new EP!

My buddies, making up the crunktastic two-piece Apologies, I Have None, recently released a new EP, Two Sticks and Six Strings. In the words of Flood and Drought: “They are friendship, freedom, fun and passion and their music personifies this ethos. This EP is flesh and bone and this band is testament to the candor and mettle that turns van wheels, stokes throats and moves cold feet across this country chasing the map.” Great work, guys.

4. Plenty of fucked-up shit from Cracked.com

Every day I don’t write a post is a day when I don’t share some brilliance from the warped mind-stems of the Cracked word pits. Case in point: The 5 Most Baffling Sex Scenes in the History of Fan Fiction. Where else on the internet would you find such a lovingly crafted article about insanity like this:

Tom [Riddle - AKA Lord Voldemort from Harry Potter] remembered how good he’d felt the previous night, how good Indiana’s [as in Indiana Jones'] cock had made him feel. He gave Indiana a lopsided grin. “We could play cards. Or we could discuss music.” He got up on his knees and pushed Indiana down on the sand. “Or we could make magic,” he whispered, slipping his wand from his pocket.

[Hmm...this article seems to have been taken down - probably due to the intensely disturbing nature of the content. Not put off? View the cached page here]

5. Banging on about how much I love Anne Hathaway

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*Sigh* she’s just so lovely. My thesaurus broke trying to find the right words to describe her. An understated icon-in-the-making? A future Mrs. C. Fish? Maybe. Though I don’t really agree with marriage. Do you have to be gay to have a civil partnership? That’s discrimination that is. Sorry Annie, I love you but I don’t think I’m ready for that kind of commitment. One day, people will talk about this great love that could never be…

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6. Dangerously stupid Americans in a position of authority and influence

7. Atheist Activism

Let’s face it, God probably doesn’t exist. To clear this up, I say probably in the really rather strong sense to mean the existence of a God character is hugely unlikely and massively illogical. I know many people who agree with this view and yet they persist in granting unnecessary levels of respect to religion. Sure, there is a bit of a conflict between the liberal “respecting other cultures and all that shit” stance and the atheist “you believe in, like, an invisible space-dwelling, super Dumbledore?” view, but I’m fed up of otherwise rational people conceding secular ground to the religious types. Try this on for size: religion deserves no more respect and sensitivity than any other opinion, belief, passion, fashion, trend, or fad. Even hard-bitten atheists would reluctantly accept that it’s acceptable for religious studies to be taught in schools. Fuck that. I had to do R.E. for much of my secondary school and there was absolutely no point, other than to try and grant some sort of respectability and authority to the Bible. I want to be more of an Atheist Activist and make more of an effort to kick religion in the nuts.

8. fuckyeahskinnybitch

An almost bottomless supply of hot sluts in fine cuts – passed on by STNF. Fuckyeahskinnybitch really shows off the primary purpose of Tumblr – skinny bitches. Fuck yeah.

I’ve got another 14 things I wanted to get through in this post, but I guess that’ll have to wait for another time. Coming soon… Another 14 things I might’ve written about over the last three months if I could’ve been bothered.

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Make it better

Due to some extremely frustrating issues with PayPal, Crunkfish as you know it is possibly only 4 days from retirement. So, while I wait to get proverbially gunned to pieces by a regrettable racial caricature as my young, maverick sidekick swears vengeance (which, as we all know, is far, far cooler than mere revenge) over my leaking corpse, I thought I’d take this opportunity to offer you some true excellence.

Let me present iDaft, which let’s you remix Daft Punk’s Harder, Better, Faster, Stronger tune as much as your partner can tolerate (which isn’t much, to be honest).

I’ve been having some trouble getting the “console” up and running, which might be due to heavy traffic. If it doesn’t work straight up, keep trying immediately afterwards – thus ensuring it also won’t work for the other thousands hitting it at the same time. Fuck ‘em, yeah?

I’m not too old for this shit.

[First spotted on Neatorama]

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Dear music industry idiots, the internet is not your enemy…

Case in point: I have just spent roughly forty squid on albums from a bunch of artists I only heard of through using Last.fm at work. This wouldn’t have been possible if a) sharing and finding new music in an online, social environment wasn’t so popular, and b) I wasn’t able to freely listen to full tracks by these artists on several occasions. Unfortunately big label bastards, the albums I bought wouldn’t have been produced by you because everything you release is barely worth pirating let alone buying. Learn something from this lesson.

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Return of the absent girlfriend wankathon – parts V – VI: Christina, Cheryl and (a little bit of) Holly

Today is the last of this current wankathon. The girlfriend returns tomorrow and so will the usual, somewhat less saucy, content of this reputable blog. Having forgotten about it yesterday, I’m a day behind so have to go for a double whammy today – which is a bit of a struggle as after only five days I’ve run out of things to wank about. How bad is that? Hopefully I’ll think of something while writing the bit about Christina Aguilera…

As one of the original pop-tartlets, Christina Aguilera distinguished herself from the others by a) being talented and b) appearing to have a much stronger grasp of her own sexuality than her peers. Unlike the rest of the batch, Xxxtina genuinely appeared to age and mature in front of our own eyes; becoming a glamorous, confident personality rather than mere post-legal jailbait.

Feast your joy-receptors on ‘Candyman’, possibly Lustina’s coolest music vid and most likeable song. In fact, this refreshingly original and flavourful pop track was so good I think it went straight to Radio 2. The video, of course, harks back to that golden age of the US military when it wasn’t starting and losing wars. This setting blends perfectly with the bounce and character of the song and Aguilera is (probably) the only female singer around who could pull off the vintage pin-up style without simply looking like a cheap stripper. Awesome song, awesome broad. Awesome wank. Which kinda makes you think about stuff too.

Still, no ideas for any further wankage; I’m watching Hellboy on DVD so my heart isn’t really in it. In most cases where my imagination fail me I find it’s best to think about Cheryl Tweedy (which also keeps to the whole “popstars worth giving a damn about” theme and makes this almost seem brilliantly thought-out – almost). Tweedy/Cole is widely regarded as fitter than anyone you will ever even dream of fucking and scientists from over twenty nations are working together to conclusively prove that this whole Ashley Cole thing is a mass-hallucination and, in reality, Cheryl spends her time away from the rest of the girl group walking barefoot through dewy meadows, having pillow fights with herself in sexy PJs and sitting in front of her computer until 3am watching Garth Merenghi clips on YouTube and chatting to her buddies on MSN while getting stoned.

Anyway, please enjoy this video of Cheryl Tweedy half-heartedly trying to squeeze into a box:

Here’s another of her getting gunged – which, as we all know, is basically the Saturday kids TV equivalent of a facial:

And here she is again, this time riding a tiny motorbike. The vid also features Holly Willoughby, once voted “TV personality you’d most like to have as your fuck buddy” by readers of the Radio Times, dressed up as a schoolgirl. Did the guys who judge what’s acceptable on TV take Saturday mornings off back then? Why was there such a load of hassle about her possessing a cleavage and showing it on the telly at 8pm in the evening after she spent much of her early career staining the sheets of millions of schoolboys (of all ages) across the country. She was hardcore breakfast-porn, everyone knew it and loved her for it. Some mornings, I would even love her for it more than once. Obvious joke. I feel more ashamed about that than having written about wanking for the past six days.

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Bomfunk MCs – Dancefest part IV

With nothing less than the promise of a little bump and grind against some tight ‘n tasty intellectual blonde booty, I couldn’t avoid the temptation of publishing this video of the most awesomest of tunes: F-f-f-f-freestyler!

So Miss Blonde, wanna put your moneymaker where my mouth is?

Interesting fact: I once went to a party dressed up as a Bomfunker. I brought with me a Playstation controller which I carried with the cable tucked into my trousers as I danced like a fool. I don’t think I pulled any girls that night but I did get smashed in the face with a bottle, metal pipe and fence post.

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There’s nothing left to do but dance! Dancefest part I

Admittedly, us Brits aren’t having the best summer. It appears as though the miserable weather, the looming recession, and the medical invasive procedures are conspiring to make 2008 yet another shitty year.

Should we just give up, accept the depressing greyness of our existence and continue to meander through life with nothing but the next Eastender’s christmas special to look forward to?

No fucking way! When the world turns it back on you, grab it by the hips and gyrate like you’re Patrick Swayze! That’s right, sometimes the only answer to all of life’s problems is just to dance like nobody’s watching, with one fist in the air. For the next few days, I’ll be giving you more reasons to dance than can probably be considered heterosexual.

Starting with this cheer-inducing video which makes me want to go and dance like a maniac in a public place. The song, by the way, is the impossibly merry Pull Shapes by powerpop trio, The Pipettes. Enjoy!

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The Gaslight Anthem – Blue Jeans & White T-Shirts

I’ve only recently been introduced to the bluesy folk-rock delights of The Gaslight Anthem and this particular song has really caught my attention. Unfortunately, there wasn’t a decent live performance on YouTube of them performing this, so I’ve had to use this home-made music video. No comments on the video please, just close your eyes and let the breezy vocals and rousing guitar roll over you like an especially emotive landslide.

The Gaslight Anthem – Blue Jeans & White T-Shirts

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All 20 Pop Up Videos from VH1

To a certain person of a certain age and a certain disposition, this post will be the greatest thing ever. Unfortunately, that certain person is me dear reader, so you may as well just bugger off and look at pictures of bacon draped across some bird’s tits and let me carry on…

If you didn’t know, Pop Up Video is/was a TV show on VH1 and is responsible for entertaining me more than wanking did during my uni days. Overlaying some bizarre choices of music videos with nuggets of sometimes informative, often pointless, usually witty, but always welcome facts that ‘pop up’ throughout, this is the perfect recipe for a young mind thirsting for a wank, but who can’t reasonably commit to one at two in the afternoon.

I loved this show, and so did everyone else I forced to watch them. Waste a hell of a lot of time now and watch these…

Belinda Carlisle – Heaven is a Place on Earth

Band Aid – Do they know it’s Christmas?

Men at Work – Down Under

Rick Astley – Never Gonna Give You Up

No Doubt – Ex-Girlfriend

If you’re still following me… click on the link below to read more…

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