Style slashed as Tories cut more political waste; follows substance as Cameron wages war on rhetorical inefficiency

Here’s an interesting, if partial, view of the Tory party from an American politics student: The Tories a joke in Washington.

As successful as David Cameron’s been at making the right noises (or lack of the wrong ones) to win over much of the domestic media and readers thereof, he strikes me as a political lightweight on an international level.

Regardless, the Tory war to win over the hearts and mindlessness of the public continues with all the subtlety of Manatee gang rape. With the shepherd on his side, Cameron proceeded to woo the sheep, publishing his 10 key pledges in The Sun on Friday.

For what purports to be the 10 most important policy areas Cameron has under his well-tailored sleeve, they are depressingly uninspiring, weakly phrased and a bizarre mix of piddling specifics (see no. 5: introduce a free sports and entertainment Tickets for Troops programme) and vague platitudes (no 7: we will get to grips with national debt and public spending).

The Financial Times dissects (demolishes?) Cameron’s 10-point plan and come to similar conclusions. By my count: two of the ten are already taking place under Labour, three raise too many questions, another three are token gestures* and only two are considered new and worthwhile.

For the record, the two pledges the FT are most favourable towards are #5, a new Military Covenant with the troops, and #7, tackling the national debt. I’ll point out that Cameron does not mention a ‘new’ Military Covenant but simply pledges to honour the current one (who wouldn’t?) and that “getting to grips” with debt and spending is something any serious political party would be expected to do.

Nobody can deny the power of style over substance (of which popular love songs are the best testament; this morning I had the misfortune of listening to Maroon 5’s She Will be Loved, which, while clearly encouraging guys to prey on vulnerable teenage girls, will still be dedicated to Becky on every Late Night Love radio show…). Unfortunately, this list fails even to possess style. Annoyingly, I doubt that’ll matter.

The most frustrating point, in its sheer tenacity, is #3 which continues the Tories’ four-year mission to replace the Human Rights Act with a British Bill of Rights. Despairingly jingoistic and fundamentally stupid, I simply can not see why anybody could possibly care about this issue. What is it about the present Human Rights Act that rankles? The right to life? Prohibition of torture? Right to respect for private and family life? Despite Cameron announcing his intent to overturn this fifty-year-old convention way back in 2006 (did people even Tweet back then!?), a search on both the Conservative party website and the wider infowebs did not produce even a draft alternative**. At best the elusive Tory Bill of Rights is nothing more than populist pageantry; at worst, it’s a plot to enshrine Conservative (big ‘C’) values into British law.

Most likely they haven’t given enough thought about it either way.

And that seems to be the best summation of Tory policy. These are worrying times for Labour supporters and Tory distrusters. The Gordon Brown narrative is so deeply embedded in the national thought-hole, I think spectators (i.e. voters) would feel cheated if this play didn’t have the obvious cinematic ending – what this means for the country is, as always, second to how good a story it makes.

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*My favourite of these is #8, promising to “restore discipline to schools by giving heads the final say on exclusions”. As the FT point out: “Out of 8,130 children excluded last year, only in 60 cases was a head’s exclusion overturned on appeal”. That’s only 0.7% of cases!

**If anyone does find this slippery sucker, let me know.

Teabagging America: Right-wing Republicans Suck Balls

That is probably the least intelligent headline to arise from this laughable right-wing campaign that’s been sending waves of crazy across the US.

If you’re unfamiliar with this bizarre protest that’s as contextually incongruous as it is endearingly smutty, MSNBC summarise the whole affair in fantastic, pun-filled fashion:

If you’re not entirely convinced about the crazy, click the link to watch this CNN reporter take on a teabagging party in full swing.

I’ll leave the final word to The Daily Show’s John Oliver as he confronts the misguided protesters, well and truly calling them out on their shit. Very funny.

And if you eventually tire of laughing at ignorant Americans, you can download the theme song from The Littlest Hobo from here. Happy weekend!

Credit to Bob Cesca’s Awesome Blog! Go! for looking into the abyss all day and not falling in.

Insight: Surge in UK knife crime fuelled by “desire to stab people” experts claim

A controversial report due for release tomorrow has illustrated that the startling prevalence of knife-related crimes blighting British society may be largely caused by “a small number of dickheads who, when it comes down to it, just want to stab people” because “they are fucked-up in the head”.

Compiled by members of think tank ThoughtFish, the document defies the opinions of policy-makers by suggesting that these youths who carry knives “already recognise the fact that they’re breaking the law and hurting people” and that this “may be one of the reasons they do it”.

While shocking the majority of intellectuals debating the issue, the findings of ThoughtFish seem to come as no surprise to our knife-toting spawn. When confronted with the findings, machete-wielding Hackney-resident, Shariq “Da Mercyless Bludrunna” Townsend, 8, responded by saying, “Yeah, that seems about right.” He continued by stating: “I mean, I’m running around the streets with a lethal weapon and stabbing people, you would’ve thought everyone would just shut up talking about it and arrest me already.”

Despite the validity of its findings, the report is expected to be largely ignored following its dissemination to members of parliament and key advisors on Monday. A spokesman for the governement announced earlier today that, “While we will not comment on the report until we’ve had a proper chance to explore its findings and select the ones which already agree with our position, I would like to assure everyone that this government is determined to spend an excessive amount of time, energy and taxpayers’ money debating and discussing this issue”.

As part of the government’s plan to begin discussion of potential commitees to form possible solutions to the issue of deciding what might be done about the initiation of a workable agenda for further meetings in the near future, a new position of Knife Tsar has been established – intended to promote the government’s hardline policy of going ‘Back to Basics’ on the knife issue.

As explained by Junior Cabinet Minister Terence Flitworth-Gashface: “The problem we face in parliament is that we find it difficult to associate with these youths carrying knives. How can we come up with a solution until we understand every aspect of what we’re dealing with? Back to Basics is about starting at the very beginning and asking the question ‘what is a knife?’. The new Knife Tsar is the perfect person to answer that question.”

The Knife Tsar will be officially appointed on Wednesday though there is little doubt that the position will go to the prominent Australian ambassador, Michael “Crocodile” Dundee who is expected to enjoy widespread, cross-party support due to his rugged good looks and disarmingly charming, simplistic view of a complicated world. Critics, however, do warn that Mr. Crocodile’s frequent fish-out-of-water gaffes and predilection for PG violence may cause the government’s policy to be viewed as some sort of outdated romantic-comedy.

Despite such comments, in parliament there seems to be little doubt that Mick is the best man for the job. As Flitworth-Gashface asserts, “This man knows better than anyone else what is a knife and what isn’t.”

Why I hate the Tories with a passion

Some of you reading this may be wondering why I hate the Tories so much and why I’m so angry that people are voting for them – I’ll give you one reason:

Nobody knows where they stand.

David ’smary-cunt-of-the-century’ Cameron has successfully managed to speak enough hot air to shroud the Conservatives in some sort of mirage of reputability. He hasn’t, however, effectively communicated exactly why the fuck we should give a shit about them.

At best, they’re still the same-old elitist, xenophobic, nationalistic bastards we know and fear still desperately trying to drag England back to a mythical ‘golden age’ which only existed in the depths of their privilege-addled minds. At worst, they have discarded their deplorable principles in the soul interest of obtaining power – by hook or by crook. Why is this the worst option? Because why the hell are they chasing power when they’re not even sure what they’re going to do with it!?

Now, anyone who’s read between the lines of this blog will be aware that I don’t really KNOW anything – I just strongly believe in a lot of things (although anyone who takes enough of an interest in human behaviour would probably suggest they both mean the same). One thing that I do believe is that the national consciousness is tied into whoever runs the show more than we like to think. Before too long, we’ll begin to notice the (often subtle) progressive changes introduced by Labour. Casual racism will meet a resurgence with all its crudity, bile and bitterness; Britain’s vibrant cultural scene will stagnate; Tolerance and acceptance will be replaced by the arrogant English superior sneer; Europe will become more distant and the world will be seen as a place simply of foreigners – not of opportunities.

I’m not saying that everything’s perfect now, only that there was a distinct flavour in the English breeze that I liked the taste of – and I’ve felt it turn sour over the past months as the Tory Cult of Ignorance grew in confidence.

Crunking about politics and stuff

I’m sat here on the sofa watching two cross-dressers, high-kicking their way to the approval of the judges on ITV2’s ironically-titled Britain’s Got Talent. I mention this to not only symbolise the depths of despair and self-punishment to which I’ve sunk, but also to use this particularly atrocious example of ‘entertainment’ as a microcosm of our nation as a whole.

As an eight-year old ginger kid twats his way to three ‘yes’ votes, the truly offensive examples of British talent on offer proves beyond all reasonable doubt that my fellow English-folk are as deluded, hopeless and ignorant as their voting habits suggest. In fact, the most exciting performances seen were from a pair of Eastern European women dressed a giant slinkies, and two men of Asian origin offering a surprising and imaginative dance routine – seriously, it was better than it sounds. Revealingly, the “stand-out” English contestants (in that whenever they took to the stage I was forced to step up and stand out of the room) seemed to be entrenched in the…well, I would arbitrarily insert a decade in here, but I’m not sure if there ever was a period in which such acts were genuinely considered something special.

What we have are kids being considered talented surely by dint of the fact that their parents have yet to call them out for being arrogant cunts, comedians reeling off jokes you would kick your uncle in the groin for saying at the Christmas table, impressionists of Cilla fucking Black and (to cut a long rant short) people of such an obvious lack of creativity and imagination that their individual contribution to society is of less value than the blue cat’s eyes showing a slip-road on the M40.

And these fuckers are allowed to vote.

No, that’s not right – not very democratic of me. For shame. Of course, these clueless spunkwits are permitted their votes the same way that I am. So who’s to blame for the rape of sensibility which has resulted in such careless squandering of our most basic of democratic privileges? Is it television (back to Britain’s Got Talent) endlessly promoting the celebrity culture which has turned even the most serious of contests into some Big Brother-esque spectacle? Is it the newspapers, who unashamedly promote their political agenda with hardly a nod towards respectability and integrity? Is it the leaders who bow to the pressures of the above at the cost of what they believe in, meaning that (on the surface at least) an important choice hardly seems like a choice at all?

The fact is that, on the whole and despite my wishes to the contrary, television vomits forth whatever crap will be eagerly swallowed by the viewers; people don’t buy newspapers to be challenged or informed, they buy whatever piece of propaganda supports their own self-focused belief (this applies to you arrogantly superior Guardian and Independent readers too); and our so-called leaders are the sheep that shamefully pander to populist bullshit while shamefully hiding any individual stance or beliefs aside from the usual soundbytes.

I guess then, that the answer is that the problem is us. I’m sure others have made the comparison more pithily than I, so I’ll leave it up to you to find out what they’ve said, but there’s definitely something to say about sheep being released from the pen only to mill around for a bit, before running back inside and then biting themselves on the ass.

Rant over.