Checklist for any female role in a movie

Photograph by Peter Noster on Flickr

Kiera Knightley gun Domino

Dear producers of movies,

Please ensure that any project you are working on is scrapped immediately if one or more of the following applies to any female character included.

1. She can be described as ballsy, spunky or “an independent woman” – be especially aware if actresses are attracted to the role because: “she stands out to me as having a strong, powerful personality, which is not very common with female roles”.

2. Her late father taught her any kind of survival skills meaning she knows how to look after herself.

3. The only sense of humour she possesses is a world-weary, cynical one – scratch that, the only personality she possesses is a world-weary, cynical one. Any other kind can be considered sexist.

4. She’s strong, resourceful and tough but still retains her femininity and sexiness. By that I mean she kicks ass and does things her accompanying male can’t do – such as repair a car, hack into the mainframe, disembowel a swan, etc. – but she does so in a bra.

5. She has an instant dislike for the protagonist, thinking he’s a testosterone-driven Neanderthal but will later have sex with him.

6. She is forced into a situation whereby she has to use her boobs/legs/vagina to overcome an obstacle. Although she is furious that she is using her body like this, there is no other way and she promises her penis-leaden counterpart that he will pay if he mentions this again.

7. She learns nothing and her character completely fails to develop throughout the film. [Note: Although the concept of a character evolving during their two-and-a-half hour ordeal seems to be going out of fashion as of late, this seems to be especially true of female characters – which is a little odd]

8. She is played by Julia Roberts.

9. She removes her skirt while keeping her legs straight, runs her hand along a thigh while pulling up stockings or arches her back seductively while pulling her top over her wavy, flowing locks.

10. She is 5’2″, 90 pounds and pulls the trigger of a gun the size of her head without tearing her shoulder out of its socket.

I hope you study this list carefully. Many thanks,

Crunkfish. X x

P.S. Fear not men who feel they are also represented poorly in film, another list will be coming soon.

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