Alien vs. Predator: Requiem

I must have downloaded this trailer weeks ago, but only just got around to watching it last night. Aliens vs. Predator was one of those films that exceeded expectations. You expected somebody to fuck it up and they did so in style. I couldn’t possibly have imagined that the last fifteen minutes would have featured an overweight-looking Predator running in slow motion away from an explosion next to an annoyingly ‘spunky’ woman. Maybe I was just being naive.

AVP-R Poster

AVP wasn’t all awful – just very much so. I’ve begun rating movies on the extent I sit there and think “hmm…I’d have changed that”. The best movies are the ones where I am surprised and think “wow, I would never have thought of that” while the worst are the ones that would require such an extensive re-write that there was barely any justification in making it in the first place. As a case study: Ghost Rider was bad, but could have been good if they changed some stuff and beat Nicholas Cage around the head with a stuck until he looked like he hadn’t just woken up. Van Helsing, however, was such a hideously dire movie that for it to be good you would have to change virtually everything – with the obvious exception of the so-hot-I-puzzled-for-a-good-minute-or-so-to-find-words-to-describe Kate Beckinsale.

Seriously, Van Helsing requires a hefty critical appraisal – if only for the purpose of some self-therapy. After all, I sat through the whole 132 minutes of that shit in the cinema! This post, however, is about AVP-R.

I pondered over the name for a while. The most commonly used definition of requiem is “A hymn, composition, or service for the dead” which raises the question, who dies? Hold on, wait a minute. this is Aliens vs. Predator, baby. Surely a veritable FUCKLOAD of people die!? Maybe, the ‘requiem’ tag holds a grander meaning then? Such as a requiem for the death of the human race…are we on the verge of facing extinction under the attack of the two races of extra-terrestrial icon? Or, maybe, the producers wanted to use a word beginning with R so they could adopt the AVP-R tag and subliminally imply that, yes, this is Aliens vs. Predator with blood, guts, beheadings, acid showers, swear words, possibly a tantalizing taste of partial nudity and NO SHITTY BUDDY MOMENTS BETWEEN A FREAKING PREDATOR AND A HUMAN.

This post is already too long, so I will make it brief and highlight several key moments of the trailer that make me worried…(forgive me for turning a bit Crankyfish on you, my adorably patient readers, I’ll try to lighten up and leave the bitching to this guy).

1. Argh! Why are there a bunch of good-looking college kids running around with guns? America should pass a law preventing it’s trigger-happy civilians killing aliens unless they’re over 21.

2. Why was there absolutely no plot alluded to in the trailer? Is it because it’s soooo good it’ll blow your mind or is it, perchance, that it’s so weak it couldn’t even hold up for 40 seconds? Time will tell.

3. What’s the hook? The trailer has a lot of “ohhh, cool” moments, but nothing that really forces its mouth-like tongue into your skull. The forest scenes intrigued me, as I thought a slightly more chilling, low-key sequel could do the trick, but when it diverted into clueless people aimlessly running around a typical American – I started switching off. The first AVP, with it’s subterranean pyramid intrigued me more…

That’s about all I remember. Part of me has always wanted to see a bunch of face-huggers run amok in a zoo resulting in a variety of freaky Alien-animal hybrids – although I recognise that as being somewhat lame. I was inspired by the early/mid-nineties toys (I had the snake one and my friend had the bull one).

For more about AVP-R, check out these blogs (who all appear to share my reservations):

I Watch Stuff has a different trailer to the one I saw last night. It’s pretty good and explains a bit more but is still ultimately a scream n’ shoot fest. Also, notice how laughably accurate my “tantalizing taste of partial nudity” prediction was…classy.

/Film host the movie poster that heads this post. It looks pretty cool and a 3D model of the Predator/Alien globe would look pretty nifty.

Screenrant offers some intelligent commentary based on an interview from MTV.com (does that channel still run Pimp my Ride and that annoying walking-round-rapper-and-American-football-players-homes thing 24hrs a day? Just in case the answer is yes I refuse to link to them).

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