There is a despairingly active sub-culture on YouTube, a subculture whose members are so twisted and deluded they simply need to be celebrated. That is why I bring you my selection of the five best videos of people hoovering their cats. This sick and perverted practice can no longer be ignored – hoover your cat today and raise awareness of the distressing new trend.
Important note to animals lovers: None of the cats featured below were harmed during the making of these videos, but I’m doing my best to track them down and drown them and their silly owners.
Here’s the list:
5. The utter bewilderment of this cat as his owner persists in prodding him with a vacuum that would’ve matched my shellsuit of the early nineties, turns into a short period of acceptance before he quickly tires of such crazy antics and wishes to resume his wistful gaze out of the window. “You enjoying this Jinks!?” His lonely owner asks, desperate for communication with his mental and emotional superior. “No, now fuck off you sad little man”.
4. Dear owner, your annoying commentary does little to endear you to our hearts. In fact, we empathise more with little Beethoven who, despite the claim that he has fallen in love with your Dyson, is clearly planning on smothering you and your boyfriend in your sleep with his, admittedly clean, body. You deserve it too – stop apologising and put down the fucking hoover!
3. Another dubious claim of “and he loves it!” fails to find support from the video evidence. After an unwarranted attack by a crazed human with a vacuum, this cat does all he can to stave off the onslaught. First, he thrashes his tail like the Alien queen battling the power-loader equipped Ripley, only to be pinned down for more punishment. Playing dead doesn’t help, as the owner grows more confident with his torture and begins getting more physical – beating the poor moggy with both hand and hoover. The cat attempts to flee but collapses from the brutal injuries sustained. Hand and camera trembling with the erotic excitement of the vacuum-aided kill, the owner attempts to suck him back into hand-beating range. The animal’s last desperate act of salvation is to cling desperately to a power cord – awaiting the eternal respite that death brings.
2. The opening to this video is simply awesome, and reason alone for it to be number two. The hoover of choice (this time it seems to be a dust-buster) is thrusted POV-style before the camera, with all the drama of the passing Star Destroyer in the first scene of Star Wars: A New Hope. When the engine kickes in with all the roaring menace it can muster, it makes you wish you could hook this up to your Dolby Digital Surround Sound and really experience the action. Sadly, the video descends into some sick territory as the owner spends an inordinate amount of time attentively sucking the cat’s groinal area. Nasty
1. “Not the face! Not the face! Argh! You bastards! I’ll kill you! I’ll kill you and all your fucking family you face-sucking motherfuckers! Argh! My face! Argh!” If you could speak cat, you’d hear that.
Article inspired by videos first seen on Miles Better