Most people will react in one of two ways when faced with the image below. Some will feel instant revulsion at the sheer cruelty of forcing a horse to bear a, clearly unwilling*, 30-stone lion on its back, while others will simply think: That looks fucking awesome! Now, I’m sure that those in the latter category will later stop and think about this grotesque spectacle currently happening at a notorious Chinese zoo, and those people will undoubtedly see the unnecessary perversion of this act.
For the record, I’m assuming my readers fall into a, far more niche, third category. This section of society is scientically known as the ‘depraved percentile’. Therefore it is for you, delightfully moral-less reader, that I present ten sicker animal shows that will really piss off the animal welfare pussies:
1. Baboon Beauty Contest – Strap on some six-inch stilettos, inject a little botox, maybe opt in for a boob-job or tummy tuck if necessary and those little beasts will be primed for the catwalk. A set of pushy, American parents per baboon is a prerequisite.
2. Four-legs good, two-legs bad? – Take a four-legged animal, cut off two of it’s legs and see how well it copes.
3. Animal Mythbusters (Extreme) – Challenge those long-held myths about animals, just like the TV show! For example, we all know that elephants probably aren’t really afraid of mice. But what about if we lock them in a room full of thousands of steroid-injected, bloodthirsty rats? On next week’s show: we think the cheetah is the world’s fastest land mammal… well, how does it match up against a marmoset strapped to a jet engine?
4. Gladiators vs. Beasts – Apparently Gladiators is going to be back on TV. Is anyone excited about this? Well, maybe you would be if we had some of nature’s greatest beasts facing up against the likes of Rhino, Jet and Saracen!
5. Humans ridden by animals – Take ten humans, stick them on a racetrack and dump a different animal on the back of each. You may think this doesn’t sound that cruel for the animals, well I refer you to my asterix at the bottom of the page*
6. Will it blend? (Nature edition) – The popular Will it Blend? viral meets the animal kingdom! Can Blendtec’s superior blender handle an armadillo? Be honest, you DO want to know…
7. Strive or Thrive – Take a group of one species of animal and stick them in an alien environment and see if they strive or thrive. Examples could include a herd of cows in an eternally-rotating steel drum, a family of black rhinos in the American mid-west, a flock of heron in a submarine, and a solitary sloth on fire.
8. Two penguins, one cup – ‘Nuff said.
9. Rebecca Loos’ Animal Wankathon – Celebrity sperm-vortex, Rebecca Loos, once wanked off a pig on British TV. I think that should just be the start. Every week Rebecca Loos learns about a different animal and then finishes the show by wanking it off to climax. Educational and entertaining. If anyone is wondering why this is cruel, would you want to be tugged off by Rebecca Loos?
10. Dr. Gunther Von Hagens Animal Anatomy for Beginners – See the dissection of various animals as Dr. Gunther guides you through the unseen elements of nature’s miracle. This would be sick, but compelling.
* If you’re wondering why that lion is ‘clearly unwilling’ I will put it simply like this: lions do not, by nature, ride on the back of horses. It is not enjoying the experience and is terrified. Trust me.