As a Briton who has taken hardly any interest in America’s latest reality TV spectacle, aka the presidential race, I feel particularly well-suited to offer my own insightful commentary. By my reckoning, there are three forerunners in this uniquely American clusterfuck – John McCain, the no-nonsense, one-time torture victim who looks set to make a barely noticeable blip in the future of the Republican party (for anyone new to US politics, think of The Empire out of Star Wars), and Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton, the two contenders for the Democrat party (think of The Empire out of Spaceballs).
The candidates are all spending the GDP of a small country every month to smear their fellow party members and convince the masses that they are, in fact, the second coming of Christ – but who should you support? Don’t bother thinking about it, let me tell you as I turn the spotlight on the big three candidates for the next presidency of that country we all love to hate…unless you’re an Iraqi, in which case I think the only thing you’re feeling is hate. That and the searing pain of that piece of shrapnel digging deeper into your spine.
Let’s kick things off by focusing on the man nobody wants to see fail (just in case he cries) Senator Barack “he’s going to cry if he wins anyway” Obama, after the piccy…
This hopefully satirical image was created by Blytzkrieg on DeviantArt.
As a black man, Obama is clearly guilty of something. As a Democrat, what he’s guilty of is sodomising his islamo-fascist boyfriend with an aborted foetus. Despite this, Obama has somehow attracted enormous support from the types of people across the internet who think that supporting him will somehow get them laid.
In terms of political agenda, well, nobody really cares because he’s just so gosh-darn charming and his smile makes my dangly bits go all tingly. His supporters may say that it’s because of this charm that he has been able to remain dirt-free throughout a campaign that has not ignored the noble tradition (shared by both American politicians and rhesus monkeys) of fervent shit-slinging. Unfortunately, the real reason there are no flies on him is because Senator Obama has done nothing of interest throughout the whole of his career and thus has an unfair advantage over the other candidates who’ve actually made decisions and done stuff.
His name also sounds suspiciously terrorist.
Conclusion – Vote for Obama if you think that doing so will somehow make you seem edgy and cool, but try not to lose sight of the fact that, when all is said and done, he’s still a smarmy, rich tosser.