Every problem ever solved by MacGyver

Out of all the television characters played by Richard Dean Anderson, MacGyver is the only one other than the guy from Stargate SG-1 that I can think of. Both characters are awesome, but while Jack O’Neill could prevent intergalactic war with his dry wit, MacGyver could create a non-lethal explosive device out of skin flakes and wheat.

MacGyver poster

MacGyver is a true American hero who (let’s face it, tried but failed to) make science cool. The hook was his ability to improvise solutions to any problem using his knowledge of chemistry and physics. He famously only carried a swiss army knife and duct tape with him – making him marginally better equipped than the average British soldier. His first name was Angus and he had big 80s hair.

Anyway, the ever-useful Wikipedia has an page titled, List of Problems Solved by MacGyver. Read this and learn something. Here’s an example of the kind of shit he got up to…

“MacGyver uses an ultrasonic device to crack the eyeglasses of a would-be assailant. He later uses two candlestick holders, a floor mat, and an electrical power cord as a makeshift defibrillator to revive a fallen comrade.”

The Absent Girlfriend Wankathon – Day Four – Girls Aloud, Oh Yes.

Day Four – A Girls Aloud Wank

(Yes, I missed a day – went to see Son of Rambow instead)

Life necessitates a Girls Aloud wank every now and again. The rigours of work, the stress of the commute, personal troubles, family feuds… all these factors congruify within you, eventually causing death. While doctors have yet to find a cure for this so-called “ageing”, science-wranglers suggest that the resultant build-up of frustratoroids, caused by stressful situations, naturally gravitate towards the male genitals – where, if ignored, they will increase in size, power and intensity, eventually latching on to your nervous system and effecting your behaviour. Indeed, patients found to suffer from chronic cases of frustratoroids are often, to quote the journal I’m reading this from, “up-tight, anal, neurotic and self-righteous cunts who need to take a good look in the mirror and ask themselves, what the fuck are you doing?”.

It’s not all doom and gloom though, as healthy and frequent masturbation is found to ease frustratoroids and, in general, make you a far happier person. Such up-tight cunts as mentioned above are prescribed a wankification process to cure them of their illness – while those found to have too few frustratoroids entering their system are often led to dewankification clinics to improve their lifestyle. Sometimes dewankification goes to far, however, and a rewankification programme is enabled. I only tell you this, not because I think wankification is funny, but because it might save your life one day.

This is all besides the point, as my original argument is that life necessitates Girls Aloud. Indeed, when times are really tough and you need to let loose, is there any better alternative to this sexy, pop-emitting quintet? Never in the history of mankind have five such-fuckable females been gathered in one position, forced to perform in ludicrously sexy costumes for the benefit of a male audience, and achieved widespread approval and acceptance. There is something for everyone with this lot, from the cheekily slutty Cheryl Tweedy to the overtly slutty Sarah Harding.

Here’s to Girls Aloud; to gather five girls of equivalent hotness and a similar penchant for curvaceous gyratory, you would probably require a cattle prod and a permit.

36% of this post about GraphJam is worth reading

This momentarily lifted my mind from beneath the miasmic clouds of crushing depression in which I tend to wallow these days. That’s why I only dare look at each post for a few seconds at a time. If I want to wallow, I’ll fucking wallow.

GraphJam makes graphs funny. But probably only if you’re a geek who chuckles pretentiously when they get the lyrical reference, privately praying that their work colleagues don’t get it so they can (somehow) end up getting the girl.

Just look at the fucking site. A few examples are below.

funny graphs
see more funny graphs

funny graphs
see more funny graphs

funny graphs
see more funny graphs

The Absent Girlfriend Wankathon – Day Three – Cheetara from Thundercats

Day Three – A Quasi-Bestial Wank

Thanks to Mike Sizemore, there was no trouble whatsoever confirming the subject of this evening’s self-gratificatory manual-pumpification. As a kid, everyone I knew had a thing for Cheetara. Admittedly, kids are stupid and deserve nothing but contempt from their superiors, but some things are hard to let go of.

Perhaps we should stop and consider the unnatural attraction we all feel for a female who is (despite her lithe and supple humanoid body that is screaming to be wrecked by me dressed as Panthro) at the core, a cat. But then again, isn’t she actually an alien from a different galaxy? Is that worse or better? Maybe the scariest thought is that she’s actually just an animated cartoon who isn’t nearly as sexy as we used to think.

Fortunately, the girls below are just tasty and dressed in lycra. Enjoy without mercy.

See more of Sizemore’s photos here.

What’s black, white and has a vagina? The US presidential race of course! (part two – Hillary Clinton)

Belatedly continuing my ongoing series detailing the three potential candidates for the next US presidency, it is the turn of Hillary ‘Insert stereotypically tenacious creature here” Clinton – aka The First Female President, Question Mark – to receive my disinterested appraisal.

Despite repeatedly being victim to resounding losses, Mrs. Clinton has continued to campaign with all the vigour of someone who clearly doesn’t give a fuck about public opinion – exactly the type of person America is used to voting into office. Despite this apparent advantage, the senate’s most fistable lady of a certain age still seems to be struggling to be heard. Maybe it’s because her accusations that the media ‘has it in for her’ are true, or maybe it’s because she’s a woman? But maybe it’s simply down to the fact that she’s a bit of a twat whose website is littered with pictures like the one below.

Hillary Clinton primed for some photoshopped porn action

On a side note, I always found it interesting how famous American women are praised when they stand by their spouses after they’ve been found to be cheating bastards. I’m sure it’ll be the same in the UK, but I can’t help but think that, in a perfect world, they’d be encouraged to beat the sleazy fuckwits in the groin with a weight that corresponds with their own ego. Oh, Dante how much I could teach you about sweet irony…

Regardless, Clinton is the woman I would vote for if I could. I can’t help but feel that the inevitable lack of any meaningful change after her victory would be far less disappointing than if her fresher-faced competitor should win. It’s a moot point, however, as the entire buzz around this Obama/Clinton face-off is largely driven by the excitement felt by the Democrats for a contest they can’t help but win. At the end of the day, if the average American is faced with a choice between a black man and a strong woman, they’ll chose a gun.

Pukka Pies – Best Adverts Ever?

I’ve never eaten a Pukka Pie, nor do I ever intend to. This could mean that their adverts are absolutely useless as they seemingly fail to do the one thing they’re supposed to do – sell pies.

That kind of thinking is wrong though. Pukka Pie posters are not intended to sell stuff. They’re meant to simply astound through their incomprehensible brilliance.

Unfotunately, I couldn’t find each poster in a large size to post here, so I’ll just have to show you some of my favourites one at a time…enjoy, and please let me know if you’re tempted to eat pie after looking at these.

1. The Sci-Fi Angle – they’ve done more than one like this. Maybe geeks love their pastry?

White house pukka pie alien

2. Sexy Angle – Oh, the marketing guys at Pukka know how to pull off sexy. Which of us haven’t snuggled into bed with a loved one and a blonde to share it with?

All steak pie in bed sexy

3. Scary Cheese Angle – They may have missed the mark with this one, but it’s certainly memorable, like the first time you saw a rabbit skinned or a lamb emerge from its mother’s womb only to burst into some sort of alien creature.

Cheese scary woman smile

4. The “Uh..What?” Angle – Yeah, I don’t get this one. Which is why it’s brilliant. ‘Fantasise with Pukka Pies’ it says…why!? Because it’s awesome.

Fantasise pie weird

5. The Married/Punning Angle – If the guys at Pukka HQ don’t use a random image generator for their marketing posters, then the creative team is clearly full of the most revolutionary thinkers of the modern age. This ad has everything: no point, bad punning, and of course, Pukka pies.

Married pie pun

6. More Sexy, Sexy Angle – Is this the hottest thing you’ve ever seen? Yes? Then clearly you haven’t been romancing the ladies in the font seat of your 80s creamy leather-mobile. Or you haven’t been accepting enough invitations from creepy guys driving up and offering you a meaty treat. Still, I fancy the girl from this ad and I fancy her even more because she endorses Pukka Pies, who are my brand of the week.

Pukka Pies Socialise

Enjoy every ad by the Pukka people on their website here.

The Absent Girlfriend Wankathon – Day Two – The Real Hustle’s Jess

Day Two – An Unexpected Wank

I was quite surprised to discover that BBC3’s The Real Hustle has a rather tasty looking tartlet standing amongst the cockish presenters. A quick Google search uncovered that she is, in fact, called Jessica-Jane Clement and isn’t a con artist at all – what a con! She’s actually a glamour model who gets naked for money…whoop!

Anyway, today’s furiously lonely masturbatory aid is Jess from The Real Hustle.

Jess from the Real Hustle hot

More pictures of Jess in various states of inappropriate dress here…

Movie-Plot Threat Contest

Bruce Schneier (nope, me neither) opened entries to his third annual Movie Plot Threat Contest earlier this month, and of course I entered.

As Bruce himself explains:

For this contest, the goal is to create fear. Not just any fear, but a fear that you can alleviate through the sale of your new product idea. There are lots of risks out there, some of them serious, some of them so unlikely that we shouldn’t worry about them, and some of them completely made up. And there are lots of products out there that provide security against those risks.

Your job is to invent one. First, find a risk or create one. It can be a terrorism risk, a criminal risk, a natural-disaster risk, a common household risk — whatever. The weirder the better. Then, create a product that everyone simply has to buy to protect him- or herself from that risk. And finally, write a catalog ad for that product.

My entry is lost somewhere amongst the comments, but I did make myself chuckle a little. I didn’t guffaw, however, to any entry other than the one written by Nick Brown which clearly deserves to win simply because of the opening line:

“Are you sleeping well at night, confident that you won’t wake up with HIV?”

Whatever you’re selling, I’ll buy it!

[Via boing boing]