A controversial report due for release tomorrow has illustrated that the startling prevalence of knife-related crimes blighting British society may be largely caused by “a small number of dickheads who, when it comes down to it, just want to stab people” because “they are fucked-up in the head”.
Compiled by members of think tank ThoughtFish, the document defies the opinions of policy-makers by suggesting that these youths who carry knives “already recognise the fact that they’re breaking the law and hurting people” and that this “may be one of the reasons they do it”.
While shocking the majority of intellectuals debating the issue, the findings of ThoughtFish seem to come as no surprise to our knife-toting spawn. When confronted with the findings, machete-wielding Hackney-resident, Shariq “Da Mercyless Bludrunna” Townsend, 8, responded by saying, “Yeah, that seems about right.” He continued by stating: “I mean, I’m running around the streets with a lethal weapon and stabbing people, you would’ve thought everyone would just shut up talking about it and arrest me already.”
Despite the validity of its findings, the report is expected to be largely ignored following its dissemination to members of parliament and key advisors on Monday. A spokesman for the governement announced earlier today that, “While we will not comment on the report until we’ve had a proper chance to explore its findings and select the ones which already agree with our position, I would like to assure everyone that this government is determined to spend an excessive amount of time, energy and taxpayers’ money debating and discussing this issue”.
As part of the government’s plan to begin discussion of potential commitees to form possible solutions to the issue of deciding what might be done about the initiation of a workable agenda for further meetings in the near future, a new position of Knife Tsar has been established – intended to promote the government’s hardline policy of going ‘Back to Basics’ on the knife issue.
As explained by Junior Cabinet Minister Terence Flitworth-Gashface: “The problem we face in parliament is that we find it difficult to associate with these youths carrying knives. How can we come up with a solution until we understand every aspect of what we’re dealing with? Back to Basics is about starting at the very beginning and asking the question ‘what is a knife?’. The new Knife Tsar is the perfect person to answer that question.”
The Knife Tsar will be officially appointed on Wednesday though there is little doubt that the position will go to the prominent Australian ambassador, Michael “Crocodile” Dundee who is expected to enjoy widespread, cross-party support due to his rugged good looks and disarmingly charming, simplistic view of a complicated world. Critics, however, do warn that Mr. Crocodile’s frequent fish-out-of-water gaffes and predilection for PG violence may cause the government’s policy to be viewed as some sort of outdated romantic-comedy.
Despite such comments, in parliament there seems to be little doubt that Mick is the best man for the job. As Flitworth-Gashface asserts, “This man knows better than anyone else what is a knife and what isn’t.”