Why you should avoid dating a foreign person – part one

There are many benefits to dating a Eastern European immigrant. Least of all because their standards appear to be significantly lower than those of British women. However, the pluses must be measured in consideration of the minuses. With over a year’s worth of experience dating a lovely foreign divku, I feel moved to share some of the lessons I’ve picked up with you guys.

Lesson one: never underestimate the language barrier.

I recently underwent surgery to heal my twisted gut after a particularly unpleasant bout of Crohn’s disease. The good news is that I now feel better than I have done in years. The bad is that roughly a foot’s worth of my intestine had to be taken out. That may not seem like much of a loss and, to be honest, it’s not like I miss it.

The problem lies with my Czech girlfriend’s inclination for a particularly embarrassing malapropism whereby she replaces intestines for testicles.

I only found out tonight that my loving, caring girlfriend has been letting just about everyone know that her poor boyfriend had to go into hospital to have his testicles removed.

For anyone reading this who may have been told otherwise: my balls are perfectly intact and exactly where they’re supposed to be.

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