Real-Time Review – Royal Chace Hotel, Enfield

21:25pm – Have been here for about half an hour. The young blonde at reception seemed pissed off with me for disrupting her flirtage with emo kitchen boy. Despite the room being paid for, had to debit fifty squids onto my card. Possibly will get refunded in the morning.

21:28pm – Still writing this post. Didn’t bother arguing with blonde receptionist. Just wanted to go straight up to my room. Why was she still asking me questions? Can’t she just fuck off?

21:29pm – Listening to Queen ‘Don’t Stop Me Now’ though I’m not having a good time.

21:30pm – My hotel room was tiny and had no mini bar! Rubbish. Shower looked good.

21:35pm – Had to move from my spot in the bar as a huge wedding party stormed in. Started chatting to a friendly Irish lady. Got mistaken for part of the family. I’m beginning to fear that I may end up staying here forever.

21:36pm – Lost wireless connection, having to connect via my 3 Skypephone. Missed call from the missus. Listening to Eason Drive by Apologies I Have None. Vodka, lemonade and lime: greatest drink in the world. Thanks Jim.

21:39pm – Feeling very uncomfortable. Surrounded by wedding guests. Listening to Dire Straits, Money to Nothing on an eardrum-bursting volume. My only hope is that it’s so loud I’m annoying people.

21:42pm – My TV didn’t work either. They had one of the guide books in the hotel room. Proper fancy little thing – the typically dull sort with a deep maroon cover. Flipped through to the back pages. It listed the TV channels. 1: BBC One, 2: BBC Two, 3: ITV, 4: Channel Four, 5: Channel Five. What a waste of paper. After speaking to the missus, I ventured downstairs for a drink and to waste some time on the net. (see 21:25pm for details)

21:46pm – Drink was very expensive. Crisps were rubbish.

21:47pm – Listening to Gaslight Anthem, Even Cowgirls Get the Blues. Almost finished my drink.

21:48pm – Finished my drink. I’m going back up to my room.

22:01pm – Instead opted to get another drink. Moved to a far more comfortable position away from the infectious joviality of the wedding crowd. The only thing I want to get infected by while away for a night in a hotel is an STD. Wireless is back up.

22:04pm – Everyone here is way too old. What’s happened to all the young people? You don’t as many as you used to. Are they all sat inside writing their blogs and updating their Facebook statuses?

22:06pm – Wireless failed again. Connection here goes down more often than your mum. pWnd.

22:10pm – Watching Kevin Costner movie on the TV in the corner. I think he’s just beaten up a kid. Watching Kevin Costner movies without the sound on is a fun game. You have to work out from the context of his surroundings what emotion he’s currently failing to project. I think he’s trying to seduce the kid. The kid’s pointing a gun at him. I think Kevin Costner’s pensive.

21:13pm – Jesus. Some guy’s explaining the movie to another guy. He’s asking if it’s a thriller or a black comedy. Apparently it’s much better than having this all the time. He pointed at a woman wearing a stupid hat in a wheelchair when he said that. I have no idea what the fuck is going on.

22:16pm – Holy shit. The guy just started agressing the woman in the wheelchair. This place is getting nasty, definitely going back up to my room before everything kicks off. Good night.


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