When sperm goes wrong: the problem with children

Based on what I’ve seen, children are a regrettable side effect of reproduction. Nothing more than the unfortunate, albeit necessary, larval stage of human development subjecting everyone involved to a torturous eighteen year period that seems to benefit none involved.

You just can’t rely on children to get on with their own shit and not fuck things up. They ask too many questions. They turn up everywhere. They require near-constant feeding, care and attention while mostly detracting rather than adding to your income.

To summarise: children annoy and frighten me. 99% of kids I encounter are right little bastards. I don’t understand what motivates them, how to talk to them or why they’re bothering me.

Fortunately, I’m not a parent or lawmaker. If I felt this way and I WAS in a position to affect the way we treat this nation’s youth, that would be scary. Possibly resulting in such craziness as…

British cops identify 200 school children as potential terrorists
Teenage girl arrested over nude self-pics on MySpace
British local governments deploy anti-teenager pink lights designed to make kids ashamed of their appearance
Protecting our children by turning them into felons
Children are amongst the ‘most at risk’ from Britain’s Database State
London imposes de-facto 9pm curfew on under-16s

I’m hoping that when I do spawn a brood of crunklings (or, even more terrifyingly, run this country), I take the time to understand and accept them for what they are – and I’m sure other sane people share this sentiment.

[You may notice that I didn’t dig particularly deep for those links. The sad truth is that I didn’t need to.]

“[The children have] bad manners, contempt for
authority, they show disrespect to their elders…. They no longer
rise when elders enter the room. They contradict their parents,
chatter before company, gobble up dainties at the table, cross their
legs, and are tyrants over their teachers.”

“The young people of today think of nothing but themselves. They have
no reverence for parents or old age. They are impatient of all
restraint. They talk as if they alone knew everything and what passes
for wisdom with us is foolishness with them. As for girls, they are
forward, immodest and unwomanly in speech, behaviour and dress.”

The wise words of Socrates (c. 469 BC – 399 BC).


Beautiful spam poetry

You had comrades: but there were some comrades willow trees
and cosy corners, all chastely encased from the bush and
saw the sheet of water stretching whom men were inclined
to take for granted, and why, how big is the ranch? Five
hundred acres.

Seriously guys. I just want a bigger cock, enough with the flowery shit.

Make it better

Due to some extremely frustrating issues with PayPal, Crunkfish as you know it is possibly only 4 days from retirement. So, while I wait to get proverbially gunned to pieces by a regrettable racial caricature as my young, maverick sidekick swears vengeance (which, as we all know, is far, far cooler than mere revenge) over my leaking corpse, I thought I’d take this opportunity to offer you some true excellence.

Let me present iDaft, which let’s you remix Daft Punk’s Harder, Better, Faster, Stronger tune as much as your partner can tolerate (which isn’t much, to be honest).

I’ve been having some trouble getting the “console” up and running, which might be due to heavy traffic. If it doesn’t work straight up, keep trying immediately afterwards – thus ensuring it also won’t work for the other thousands hitting it at the same time. Fuck ’em, yeah?

I’m not too old for this shit.

[First spotted on Neatorama]