Crunkstats: Crime down 5%, Attacks from mysterious globules of terrifying, organic goo up 5,000,000%

Are you just aching to go on a recession-fuelled storm of violence, pillage and corporate theft only to stop yourself, afraid of being seen as ‘conformist’? Well, go nuts as the BBC’s Mark Easton points out that, despite claims to the contrary, crime in the UK has decreased to now roughly match 1981 levels (though that’s no reason to be too complacent – this was the year Peter Sutcliffe, the “Yorkshire Ripper”, was arrested).

Hoping to crush our optimism of a safer, friendlier world however, is the massive blob of hairy, gooey matter on an unstoppable collision course with America’s oil-filled piggy bank, Alaska. Is this enigmatic organic muck a new species? Well, the Anchorage Daily News have asked the experts, sorry, local Alaskans, who (quote) “can’t remember seeing anything similar before”. Which is usually the kind of nonchalant reply I reserve for when a stranger in a nightclub asks me if I’ve seen their red, nylon jacket with white cuffs lying around.

Am I blowing this out of proportion or is this really something exciting? I’m hoping it’s some sort of super-intelligent, man-eating sea-fungus and not the result of a bizarre killer whale bulimia party. Fortunately, McClatchy (?) aim to shed some light on the situation with a short video of the goo in the wild. At first, you could be mistaken for thinking this was Cloverfield – until you realise you’re simply watching some awful camerawork, effectively capturing the sheen of a plane window at a position of approximately five hundred miles away from the goo. Can’t you just get into a boat and poke it with a stick?

The NY Daily News can’t be bothered with any kind of empirical evidence, or reporting, preferring instead to ask you what you think the blob is. The options are: some kind of algae that has gown [sic], it must be some sort of hazardous material, sea monster slime, The Blob, and I’m not sure. The readers of NY Daily News are a knowledgeable lot, as only 7% responded with I’m not sure.

I’m yet to find a convincing picture of the goo – The Telegraph presumably thought ‘fuck it’ and just posted a photo of some icebergs with the caption: “Blobs of mysterious goo have been found floating in the Arctic Ocean”. With that as my precedent, I’m just going to stick in a photo of a turtle with a mohawk and hope nobody asks any questions.

My theory is this putrid slick of quasi-malevolent sea-spunk has a similar origin to the river of slime in Ghostbusters 2. Sarah Palin’s long-running ignorance about her own utter ignorance has given birth to this foul obnoxious muck – which is now feeding on the stupidity of the world at large. Peter and the guys were able to stop New Yorkers being arseholes for a short period of time by bringing to life a 111-foot statue… what can we possibly do to save humanity from its own idiocy? I’m not sure if pulling the plug on TMF would be enough…

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