Exclusively revealed: the hidden alternative ending to Se7en (spoiler alert should go without saying). Presented here is an exact copy of what was in the original script…
[Morgan Freeman opens up the box and, holy shit!, it’s Gwyneth Paltrow’s head! He rushes back to Kevin Spacey talking crap about envy and whatnot to Brad Pitt. Will he make it in time before Brad gives in to wrath and shoots Spacey in the face!?]
Brad Pitt: (In a strange, whiny voice) Nooo, whaaaat’s in the boooooox?
Morgan Freeman: It’s your missus’ head, hot-headed but likeable detective Brad Pitt. Kevin Spacey killed her and, in a convoluted twist to an already far-fetched tale, arranged for a courier to deliver her decapitated melon at this precise time to enrage you enough to kill him. His reason being that this act will then complete the seven deadly sins motif he’s got going on (you being wrath and he being envy, in case you haven’t been keeping up).
John Doe: Everybody will remember this…
Morgan Freeman: Sure. However, this does raise a few questions. Brad, if you could hold off doing that weird clenching-face, determination-to-kill transition that probably earned you an Oscar nomination, I’ll like for Kevin Spacey to explain himself.
Brad Pitt: Oh (clenches face, looks determined). Go on, then.
Morgan Freeman: Thanks. Spacey, I will happily admit this final twist has all the makings of a movie ending classic. But, quite frankly, it just doesn’t add up.
John Doe: How so?
Morgan Freeman: I’m glad you asked, John. Well, for how long have you been planning the other murders? You kept the sloth guy tied to a bed for a whole fucking year, with every intention that we would discover him precisely when we did. That takes some organisation.
John Doe: So? I’m one of those murderously insane geniuses that, despite my grotesque and incomprehensible methods, offers insightful commentary on the shittiness of the world. What’s your point?
Morgan Freeman: Don’t you get it? You schemed and plotted these crimes for an entire year, at the very least. You stalked your targets and devised ironical means for their execution and wrapped it up in a neat, marketable narrative. Chronologically, it seems as if you prepared for sloth, gluttony, greed, lust (though I don’t know exactly how long it took to build that contraption) and, then, pride.
John Doe: So what?
Morgan Freeman: Did you get to pride and figure “fuck it, I’ll just wing it from now on”. You had no idea who Brad Pitt was a week ago, let alone a whole year ago when you first started this cinematically mind-blowing campaign. What would you have done if there was no hot-headed but likeable detective who recently arrived in this city with a beautiful, vulnerable wife put on the case?
John Doe: Umm…
Morgan Freeman: I mean, did you just expect something to turn up? I refuse to believe you hadn’t had every victim scoped out for months in advance. That’s part of what makes you such a classic villain isn’t it? And yet, now, it looks like you’re just blagging it.
John Doe: Blagging it!? After what I’ve done? His fucking wife’s head is in a fucking box I fucking well delivered here at the fucking end of the movie! It’s one of the greatest movie endings of our time!
Morgan Freeman: Good ending, for definite. Nobody’s disputing that. I’m just saying it doesn’t make much sense. Unless, you changed your existing wrath and envy plans in the last few days-
John Doe: That’s what I did then.
Morgan Freeman: Mmm…not buying it. This ending, rather than being the ‘piece de resistance’, the cherry topping the cake, actually exposes your entire operation to be pretty sloppy-
John Doe: Pretty sloppy!? Are you mental? I kept that drug-dealer alive for an entire fucking year! I planted fingerprints at the scene of the crime, I-
Morgan Freeman: Yes, yes. You started off well. Then you have to admit everything became increasingly hapdash. Pretty much from the time after we discovered the lawyer. Even in comparison to lust and pride, this plan for your last two sins seems surprisingly off-the-cuff. I’m also a bit dubious about your claim to feeling ‘envy’. Seems a little neat doesn’t it? Could it be you realised too late that you only had five sins sewn up and had to quickly pull something out of your arse at the last minute?
John Doe: Umm…
Morgan Freeman: Don’t bother answering that. I think we both know the answer (though it is probably beyond my companion here). In conclusion, you started off well but completely lost it at the end, realised you had only skim read your library books (on that note, why did you even bother borrowing those books? You’re supposed to be independently wealthy, just buy the fucking things) and forgot about the last two sins. In desperation, you went for blunt sensationalism rather than continuing with the cryptic, methodological, strategic, ironic creepiness. I’m disappointed.
John Doe: (sobbing) You’re right. I’m sorry. I fucked up. When I saw Brad get reasonably angry a couple of times, I thought I could blag it. It was silly of me. I’m not really envious. I love murdering people and living in my nutty room.
Brad Pitt: (clenching face, looking determined) Arrghh! Can I kill him now?
Morgan Freeman: Yeah. Go for it. We’ll lie and say he put up a fight.
Brad Pitt: Awesome.
[Brad Pitt shoots Kevin Spacey in the face. The bullet ricochets! Oh my God! It turns out he has an adamantium skeleton! He cuts up Morgan Freeman and Brad Pitt with his retractable claws, before tearing off his clothes and fleeing in the wilds of… wherever they were at the end of the movie. Colonel William Stryker looks on via concealed video camera footage beamed into his military bunker.]
Brian Cox: Weapon VII has escaped! I want him hunted down and captured immediately!
Unnamed army officer: But…but sir, Weapon VII was designed to be unbeatable in combat and impossible to track. There’s no man alive who can do this job!
Brian Cox: [Wry smile] Then we’ll send no man. Get me Samus Aran!
[The words To be continued… fly onto the screen exactly like at the end of Back to the Future 2. A post-credit scene shows a hot blonde gearing herself up (reverse Barbarella style) with a yellow and red armour suit and bad-ass weaponry. Before she puts on the helmet, she turns to the camera – it’s Scarlett Johansson! The end… for now!]