I rule

redremover-irule

Red Remover was all like, “nah, you can’t beat me”, and I was like “quit your jibber jabber fo’ – prepare to get pwnd”. True story. I completed Red Remover, spots & par & all. I’m not sure if that’s a great achievement, but it’s sure more worthy of celebration than another evening scratching my balls and playing fuck or chuck with the Littlewood’s catalogue.

Play it here.

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Urgh. Foreigners are weird – part two

Fuck or chuck?

Link babes 1

Link Babes 2

As a bit of background, these girls are from the small Eastern European state of Hyrule, south of Georgia, and was once part of the Soviet Union. The girls are dressed in the ceremonial outfits of a bastardised Pagan ritual, celebrating the Zoran Fire and Goronian Water Temples – aka, a collection of natural caves occuring in the tiny nation’s only mountain range. Of course, the official state religion is Orthodox Christianity, so much of the ceremony’s original meaning has been well-hidden beneath more modern dogma. Fortunately, there still remains some appealing quirks to their tradition – most notably the ritual chicken-chasing, boomerang-tossing, Moblin-slaying, and rolling across gorgeously-rendered fields shouting, ‘hyaaa!’

Contra fucking p0wns you pussy

Contra

Speaking of videogames and awesome things from the 80s… Contra, the world’s most explosively mental shoot-em-up from a time when shoot-em-ups were actually good and never wasted time developing a plot, returns to your life on the Nintendo DS. Check out the no-holds barred website that gives you a healthy, nostalgic-driven ball-kicking.

The Nintendo DS is confirming its position as a must-have gaming system and shows how the support of developers truly makes or breaks a console. Fingers crossed the little handheld’s popularity doesn’t lead to the vast amounts of uninspired tripe that made me tire of the Playstation One & 2. Maybe we should petition for a limit on the number of “one girl and her horse” games that are released?

In the meantime, I’m going to whoop my girlfriend’s ass playing Worms again. Ace.

The Goonies on the Nintendo Wii?

The Goonies is undoubtedly one of the greatest movies of all time. If you don’t agree with this statement, you have no place reading this blog. Chris Canote has sufficient respect for Sean Austin’s finest role (yes, better than LOTR) and has created an awesome spoof of the Wii trailers every must have seen by now.

The only question I have is what happened to the fat kid?

Click here to see the video – LINK

There’s fucked up, and then there’s US Army fucked up

Image created by esteemed Deviant Partridge.

America’s Army Videogames War

I can’t believe I’ve only just read about this! And I especially can’t believe that I found this blindingly horrific piece of news buried in the bottom corner of page 12 in a British videogaming magazine, imaginatively (or suavely), titled Games(TM).

I am talking, of course, about the Army Gaming Championship – one of the most worryingly depressing and shamefully cynical competitions since Stalin pulled “Simon says, stand up if you’re a dissident” during a national contest of the popular game back in 1935. Sponsored by the US Army, the AGC invites videogamers to compete for cash prizes playing titles such as Gears of War, Resistance and COD3 – but only if they consent to being interviewed by a recruitment officer. What this suggests to me is that, even if they are lacking in equipment, tactics, leadership, ethics, resources and an exit strategy, the US Army (or at least the marketing and recruitment corps) still possess plenty of guts.

The Army Gaming Championship kicked off on the historically significant 4 July (significant, that is, because it evokes memories of Will Smith and Jeff Goldblum buddying it up to comedic effect in the classic movie, SFX-Fest III – Return of the Exploding Buildings) and has a fully-fledged website so you can follow the progress of the impressionable idiots taking part – take this guy (one of the homepage “popular profiles) for example…

Games(TM) end their decisive, if short, article on a very resonant note, saying: “…the goal seems worryingly clear: to make people associate war with having fun and winning money in an attempt to encourage them to sign up for service.”

At a time when a videogame that pushes the boundaries of violence to such an extent that it has been banned in the UK (yes, Manhunt 2, I’m talking about you), I find it mind-blowing that such a brazen act of irresponsibility can be undertaken by the US Army without cries of “WTF!?”. Though, should I be surprised? American marketing has never been famed for its subtlety, so I should probably expect the recruitment (or, dare I say it, indoctrination) of their youngsters into the armed forces to follow a similarly in-your-face trend. After all, if any of you have had the misfortune to visit the website of the US Army (the slogan of which I cleverly twisted to become the title of this article), you will see that it presents itself like a cheesy videogame.

Suggestion for a new Army motto: Lure ’em in, send ’em out, cart ’em back (but keep the images of this off of CNN please).

US Army wants you