More Nurses, Fewer Paedophiles stand for what’s important to you. Like having more nurses, and fewer paedophiles.
We believe in a Britain where you don’t need to understand or even be aware of the facts to have an opinion about something. We believe, and we think you’ll agree, that important decisions are best made by listening to an irreconcilable range of conflicting views from self-interested individuals, and pandering to those people who shout the loudest. Yes, the many problems inherent in a modern society are complicated and the resources of government finite, but we choose to ignore all that for the benefit of short-term emotional gratification.
“I want to vote for a party that values my anecdotal evidence over general trends”
The other parties may promise to increase the number of nurses and decrease the number of paedophiles, but we want even MORE nurses and even FEWER pedophiles than whatever they say. We’re not a single issue party either. We want to cut all the things you want cut (like spending, taxes and immigration) while improving all the things you want improved (like health, schools and pensions). It’s that simple.
“I want to vote for a party that panders to my racial prejudices without making me feel guilty for being a racist”
We will end the war against motorists and make our roads safer by removing hazards such as speed cameras, road bumps, cyclists and laws. We’ll also introduce a 24hr pothole repairing service, repairing potholes before they’ve even turned into potholes – without resulting in inconvenient roadworks. Public transport is terribly confusing so we won’t really say anything about it, except to point out that at least Hitler made the trains run on time. We’re just saying.
“I want to vote for a party that tells me the truth… about how awful immigration is”
We will allow the police to do their job – walking up and down your street, all day every day – by reducing the amount of time that goes into the involved and effective crime reduction initiatives you’re not really interested in and cutting down on burdensome paperwork. In fact, we’ll get rid of all paper. And desks. You don’t see what they do with them after all.
“I want to vote for a party that defines substance as soundbites I agree with”
We’ll replace the broken justice system with ‘Trial by Headline’ and work in collaboration with the media to name and shame sex offenders with a national ‘Pedo of the Day’ feature. Drug dealers and gang members will no longer spend the last years of their youth sealed inside a small cell with violent, dangerous criminals, living the life of luxury. We pledge to return our prisons to the condition they should be: rapey, soul-destroying and overcrowded.
“I want to vote for a party that speaks louder and slower while looking younger and more attractive than the others”
We believe that education is important. Though we also privately believe that we got by fine with large class sizes, uninspiring lessons and second-hand textbooks, so why should we have to pay for other people’s kids to get special treatment? To fight slipping standards, every child will have to sit the exact same exams as their parents when they were their age. If they continue to get better grades than we did, thus proving that improved results are not due to easier exams, we will launch an official enquiry to find other spurious claims that will demean and demoralise our children.
“I want to vote for a party that tells it as my limited view of the world says it is”
We believe that nobody knows how to raise your children better than you do. However, if your children do turn out to be proper bastards we will support your right to blame teachers, politicians, computer games, rappers, films, Europe and coloured people.
“I want to vote for a party that looks out for what’s important to me and the handful of people I know”
We will give you cancer drugs whether they work or not, as we know that the best thing for patients is not proven efficacy but patronising pseudo-science and populist anti-medicines. This will be paid for by reducing help for people suffering from diseases you don’t read about much in the papers. We promise that before anyone receives any treatment from the NHS, their Britishness must be proven and confirmed in writing with the sworn signature of two witnesses. Of course, this wouldn’t apply to you, that would be “bureaucracy gone mad”. We can tell you’re British just from looking at you. It’s the others we don’t like.
“I want to vote for a party that promises to cure cancer”
Our Britain of the future is the Britain you’ve always thought about but didn’t want to mention in case people thought you were crazy, racist or merely stupid. We don’t care if you’re crazy, racist or stupid.
“I want to vote for a party that doesn’t inwardly cringe when I make my ridiculous demands”
If you get bored or confused trying to follow politics, but prefer not to admit the fault is your own limited intellect, vote for us.
Politics isn’t rocket science. When it comes down to it, you can either vote for More Nurses, Fewer Paedophiles, or you can vote against more nurses, fewer paedophiles.