The Wankathon Special: General Election 2010 (lowering the tone considerably) – NSFW

Enough. Clegg, Cameron and Brown, we know all your policies. We know all your values. We know between 13 to 26% of the spending cuts you’re planning on disembowelling us with over the next few years. As the waxy-faced vessel of vacuity himself would say, “we can’t go on like this”. This election’s become a drag. We’ve reached the last leg of this marathon and have hit a wall. We need a pick me up.

As Meow Meow is now illegal, we’ll resort to something closer at… ahem… hand. In this General Election 2010 Wankathon Special, I present to you the erotic electorate. The question is not which party has the right policies/values/suit and tie combination, but which party has the support of the hottest celebrity lady-types. Who says women are being ignored in this election, eh?

So here we go, three parties and their sexiest celebrity supporters. Who will you go with? The choice is yours. And that choice is either fuck or chuck…

Labour Lovelies

Cheryl Cole (nee Tweedy, aka The Tweedster)

Famed for her sage judgement when it comes to picking the right man for a long term commitment, Tweedy has voiced her support for Labour. Admittedly, this was only because her family are life-long Labour supporters (let’s hope she doesn’t have a Granny Duffy…). I wonder if the extra £3 a week marriage tax break promised by the Tories might’ve been enough to keep her and Ashley together? If so, that’s another reason to keep those bastards out. She’s on the market now and I’ll be there to dry her working class tears when Labour crash and burn come May 6th.

Lily Allen

I’ve read that Lily is a Labour fan, though that may not be accurate. Nevertheless, after David Cameron labelled her expletive-filled tunes unsuitable for his six-year-old daughter, I don’t think she’ll be supporting him. I mean, what a snooty prude. I force my five-year-old niece to listen to home recordings of me singing “David Cameron’s a cunt” to the tune of yankee doodle dandy. Besides, I think she agrees with Labour’s approach to socio-economic equality and the redistribution of wealth. Unless I’ve completely misunderstood the meaning of the popular song from her latest album, Not Fair

Tory Totty

Geri Halliwell

I don’t think UN ambassador and Ex-Spice Girl Geri “why the fuck is she a UN ambassador” Halliwell has publicly declared support for the Conservatives in this election, but she did famously say in 1997 that “Margaret Thatcher was the first Spice Girl, the pioneer of our ideology”. I was too young to remember Thatcher, but I can’t recall reading anything about any policies of hers that promoted talentless slags. Still, after being virtually irrelevant for more than a decade, there’s a lot Geri and the Tories have in common.

Brooke Kinsella

To be honest, I have no idea who this woman is. But considering she’s the only person on this list who has actively participated in this general election, it’d be silly of me to miss her out. In what has been described as a “coup” for the Tories, former Eastenders bint Brooke Kinsella is “heading” (yes, heading – the Mail’s words not mine) an initiative to cut off the gonads of knife crime (those were my words). Her qualification for this role is that her younger brother was stabbed to death two years ago. Now, I don’t want to be insensitive or anything, but I’ve a track record of having NO members of my family stabbed to death. By my reckoning that makes me 100% more suitable at preventing knife crime than she is. I’m just saying.

Lib Dem Dolls

Kate Winslet

Kate is the embodiment of a liberal lass. She’s intelligent, cultured, compassionate and willing to whack her tits out at any opportunity. Undoubtedly she’ll be enjoying the Cleggmania infecting the country like coquillettidia fuscopennata – at least until someone points her to page 14 of the Lib Dem manifesto where they announce their mansion tax. In what could be a positive omen for the perennial runner-up party, Kate Winslet finally ended her long-time Oscar losing streak only last year. Could that be the start of a winning trend? The answer is no. Don’t be stupid.

Honor Blackman

Umm… yeah. To be honest, this entire list was pretty tough to cobble together and, truth be told, the Lib Dems really didn’t have that much celebrity support. Especially amongst the hot female type. I suppose after the Tories cream off the posh daddy’s girls and Labour scoop up the future Wags, there’s not much left. Still, Honor Blackman is something of a British legend and, let’s not forget, once upon a time she was a Bond girl. Of course, looking at her now at the grand age of 84, the name Pussy Galore takes on a rather less appealing meaning. Will she live to see a Lib Dem prime minister? Again, the answer is no. Pay attention.

That’s all. I hope this helps.

Wankathon of the Year: the 10 hottest pics of 2009

Top 10 from Deadlamb's Giblets 2009

Warm your cockles and usher in a new year of what makes the internet great: hotties. For while governments are replaced, climates change and fads come and go, attractive women will always be willing to expose themselves to strangers online.*

From the 2009 archives of Deadlamb’s Giblets, I’ve selected the ten hottest/sexiest/raunchiest pictures of the year and put them below. I know, I’m great. Enjoy…

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The Absent Girlfriend Wankathon – Day Two – The Real Hustle’s Jess

Day Two – An Unexpected Wank

I was quite surprised to discover that BBC3’s The Real Hustle has a rather tasty looking tartlet standing amongst the cockish presenters. A quick Google search uncovered that she is, in fact, called Jessica-Jane Clement and isn’t a con artist at all – what a con! She’s actually a glamour model who gets naked for money…whoop!

Anyway, today’s furiously lonely masturbatory aid is Jess from The Real Hustle.

Jess from the Real Hustle hot

More pictures of Jess in various states of inappropriate dress here…

The Absent Girlfriend Wankathon – Day One (sorta) – Welsh girl, Great Boobs

Yup, the girlfriend has disappeared back home to see her family for a week, leaving me to wallow in my own filth. Seriously. I don’t know how it’s possible but within hours of her jetting off, the flat had transformed into a fetid hive of destruction. How does she so silently maintain this sort of discipline? Oh, the ways of the woman are mysterious and who am I to question the nature of our universe?

Rather than question the universe, I’m going to do what every man in my position would do – ferociously wank until she returns.

[Note to any women reading this, if your boyfriend or husband says he doesn’t grease the soapy sailor while you’re away, he’s lying]

So we have a wankathon, very literally on our hands – and I thought I should share this with you.

Oh, I should say that my girlfriend left on Saturday, so I should have begun with day one yesterday but was distracted by watching the entire Back to the Future trilogy back-to-back for six hours. Totally worth it. This simply means that I’ll have to post twice today…

Day One – A Sentimental Wank

My first go on the wankathon is harking back to an earlier time when I had an infatuation with a certain Welsh bird with great boobs. She’s got pregnant since then but, as far as I’m aware, she’s no less Welsh and probably a bit more booby, so I’m keeping my options open.