The Joker – Questions Raised by the Clown Prince’s New Look



Well, it doesn’t look like any Joker we’ve seen before. But, to be fair, we need to judge this latest interpretation in its own context. No comparisons to Heath Ledger or Jack Nicholson here, folks.

Film is a visual medium and directors obviously know the importance of visuals. No respectable director would purposefully release an image that didn’t communicate exactly what they wanted to communicate.

So let’s give the benefit of the doubt and assume all my questions below are exactly what the director wanted us to ask.

I’ll start with the big one:

What the actual fuck?

Who is this guy? Why is he topless and covered in tats? Why does he look like an LA street gang member? Is he an LA street gang member? Why am I supposed to care about a shock-rock reject, emo gang member? Is this look supposed to suggest a kind of juvenile machoism? Is that why he looks like a bad video game character? But then why isn’t he physically intimidating? Why is he striking a pose that suggests vulnerability? Why is he so obviously striking a ‘pose’? Does he do this pose a lot? Is this pose totally him? Did someone go to take a photo of him and he was like “wait, hold on, I’m gonna do my ‘arrrghh’ pose cos that’s totally me”? Why didn’t the other person tell him that’s a bad idea? Did the person taking the photo not care about how silly this looks?

Why has he got tattoos? When did he get them done? Was it when he was too young to know better? Is he embarrassed by them now? Is that why he’s like ‘noooooooo’ cos someone’s taking a photo of him without his top on and he doesn’t want it to go up on Instagram and make him look like a prat? Did he design the tattoos himself, or point at a picture on the wall of the tattoo parlour and say, “that skull, please”? Did he get drunk and wake up with hahahahahahaha written across his chest and go, “ohhhh, man, I was so wasted last night, what a mistake”? Is he proud of these tattoos? Why does he want everyone to know he’s damaged in the head? Is he physically damaged or emotionally damaged? Is that a cry for help? Are we supposed to feel sorry for him? Because if we’re supposed to feel sorry for him, why does he look like such a douche?

Why the jester and gambling iconography across his body? What does that mean to him? What’s the point of tattooing those things on his body? Does he walk around topless at parties to show these off? Does he like to take his top off in public and make old ladies nervous? Has he got a lot of time on his hands to get this kind of stuff done? Does he think he’s a fan of the Joker from the Batman comics and wants to prove how much of a fan he is in order to appear ‘edgy’ in front of his mates, but actually he’s only read a couple of graphic novels and doesn’t really get the character? Has he such a lack of a personality that he needs to draw on common iconography found elsewhere and stamp it on himself to claim an ‘identity’? Did he lose a bet?

Does he want to fit in with the rest of the LA street gang he’s a member of and prove how much of a badass he is but everyone teases him because he’s such a try-hard and is that why he thinks he’s ‘damaged’? Does he shave his body hair? Why does he dye his hair bright green? Does he think it makes him look cool? What’s up with his eyes? Is that make-up? Does he know he looks a bit like Marilyn Manson? Is that intentional? Why does he look like he’s about to cry?

Why does he wear a big, ugly gold ring on his pinky finger? Was it a gift from his granny? Does it have sentimental value? Does he like bling? Did he steal it or did he buy it? Is that supposed to show off how rich he is? And why does he wear a single purple satin glove? Is he a Michael Jackson fan? Is something wrong with his hand? Was that the only glove he could find? Does he realise it looks a bit silly? And that it makes people think of Michael Jackson? Is that a comparison he is happy for people to make? Or did he not really think about it?

What happened to his teeth? Does he think that makes him look scary or did he spend all his money on gold rings and couldn’t afford proper dentures? Why do his top teeth look rotten? Does he not brush properly and is that why he has fake teeth? Were they knocked out? Was he bullied and is that why he feels ‘damaged’? Why did he choose that font to express how ‘damaged’ he is? Does he think it’s poetic or romantic? Is this guy a bit of a romantic? Does he write poetry in swirly handwriting? Does he have a Tumblr account? Did he get these tats to impress girls?

Why is the photo taken at a completely flat level against a plain background and why is he tilting a little? Why does it look like he’s going “woooooaaaahhhh”? Why does the style, tone and shadowing look like something from a glossy magazine shoot? Is that what it’s supposed to look like? Or is this supposed to be something like a mugshot taken by the police? Did the police ask him to take his clothes off, but told him to keep on the glove and the ring? Why would they do that? Or did they arrest him while he was walking around topless? Why does he walk around topless? Does he not wear clothes? If he usually wears clothes why have they released a photo of him not wearing clothes? Is it just so we can see his stupid tattoos?

Why is he holding his head like that? Does he have a headache? He looks like he’s freeeeeeeaking out. Did he ingest some bad ‘shrooms? Why is he like “nooooooooo what have I done!?”? Why does this look like a bad album cover?

Why is he not far enough away to look hauntingly remote and mysterious, yet not close enough to look intimidating and intense? Why is he perfectly positioned to look like a normal, average guy with stupid tattoos and make-up pulling a funny face? Is the point that he’s just a normal guy with stupid tattoos and make-up pulling a funny face? If that’s the point, are we supposed to get excited?

Why did they take a good actor, cover him in so much distracting shit that it completely buries any characterisation he might be trying to pull off, and then make him do a pose that looks like something out of a shitty music video?

Do they want us to think the movie is going to be shit?


‘Hunger Games’ star Jennifer Lawrence invites fans to look at her books

Ahem. Let’s just say I favour her odds.


She’s not impressed.

I’d managed to avoid much of the buzz about The Hunger Games until recently. A couple of friends demanded I read it, which I did. I thought it was a great story and should make a damn good movie. Really looking forward to it.

Via BuzzFeed – Jennifer Lawrence “Hunger Games” Book Signing.

Friday Trailerfest #1: Half a Dozen Awesome Movie Trailers (Cowboy Vampire Porn Edition)

1. The Magnificent Seven

“Seven, seven, seven. The Magnificent Sevennnnnnnuuuhn! They were only seven but they fought like seven hundred…” Great theme tune. There’s only a few lines of dialogue in this trailer (seemingly selected at random), but they manage to get a mention of rape in there.

Best YouTube Comment:

“who sing this song in trailer “”They were only 7, but they fought like 700…” ? anybody knows? :) and what is title of this?”

2. Let Me In

The original Swedish version, Let The Right One In, was a superbly brooding, atmospheric take on the vampire legend – like Wallander meets The Lost Boys (disclaimer: I’ve seen neither). This US remake, starring the girl from Kick-Ass and the boy from The Road, seems to have (pointlessly) replicated it in painstaking detail. The trailer doesn’t fill me with confidence, but it’s a great story and should be worth watching if you haven’t seen the original and can’t stand subtitles. I’m going to watch it if only to find out a) if they ruin it and b) how.

Best YouTube Comment:

“This is scariong the shit out of meeee XD don’t know why it’s probably cuz watching scary stuff at nigth time alone scares me a lot”

3. Red

The Queen meets Die Hard. They’re not too old for this shit. Get used to the cliches, I don’t think this action flick is looking to add any further Academy Award nominations to the casts’ already impressive CVs. John McClane, God, Being John Malkovich and Helen Mirren are retired CIA agents, reunited to blow shit up and fight the menacing future Judge Dredd. I’m already giving it 9/10. This is surely a must-see solely for the sight of Helen Mirren looking freakishly sexy shooting stuff. To paraphrase Dazed and Confused, “that’s what I love about these old chicks, man. I get older, they get less able to put up a fight.” I’m not sure that works.

Best YouTube Comment:

“Helen Mirren looks fantastic with an MP5K.”

4. Alice in Wonderland: An X-Rated Musical Fantasy

I just want to echo the sentiments of star0shadows in the YouTube comments: “Why the hell don’t they still make classy musical pornos anymore… *sigh*”.

Seriously. This movie looks amazing. Check out some of the clips on YouTube (my favourite can be found here).

Best YouTube Comment:

“Yeah but there are cumshots tho”

5. Fistful of Dollars

“This short cigar belongs to the man with no name. This long gun belongs to the man with no name. This poncho belongs to the man with no name.” I wish I didn’t have a name. And owned cool stuff like a poncho. Remind me to get a paranoid mule.

Best YouTube Comment:

“1:02 PWND!!!”

6. Son of Rambow

Son of Rambow is currently being sold in WH Smiths for the bargain price of £5. It’s a lovely film. Set in the early 80s, it’s rich with the kind of evocative nostalgia I wish I genuinely felt. Of course, I would’ve been only a wee baby back then and didn’t even see First Blood until I was in my 20s. The historical references only had any meaning for me from watching films, made in the 80s, in the 90s. It’s all very complicated. But what’s not complicated is the affecting tale of friendship, imagination and triumph, which we can all relate to. Or, at least, recall similarly themed movies that showed us what experiencing those things should feel like.

Best YouTube Comment:

“for all those gay ass fuckers who are basing this movie off of the god damn previews go suck a cock. this is the best movie ever.”

Se7en: the top secret alternative ending – exclusively revealed by Crunkfish

seven ending

Exclusively revealed: the hidden alternative ending to Se7en (spoiler alert should go without saying). Presented here is an exact copy of what was in the original script…

[Morgan Freeman opens up the box and, holy shit!, it’s Gwyneth Paltrow’s head! He rushes back to Kevin Spacey talking crap about envy and whatnot to Brad Pitt. Will he make it in time before Brad gives in to wrath and shoots Spacey in the face!?]

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8 things I might’ve written about over the last three months if I could’ve been bothered

Blogging is exactly like watching a US TV series, listening to indy music or doing something special at tiny, nauseating milestone events in a relationship. If you keep at it, it’s the greatest, most rewarding thing in the world. However, if you pause for too long, it’s all to easy to stop giving a shit and forget why you were so fussed about it in the first place. I mean, Travis!? The only half-decent song on The Man Who is the secret track and I can not be arsed to listen to 3 minutes of Slide Show followed by 4 minutes of silence. Bastards.

Well, that’s just one of the reasons why I haven’t updated Crunkfish in such a long, long time. To make up for this blip in my otherwise extremely blippy posting rate, I’m condensing all the nerve-pinchingly exciting stuff I might’ve considered blogging about over the last three months, but never did because (when it comes down to it) I simply couldn’t be bothered, into one overly long list. Indulge, young patrons of the inane.

1. Backdated Movie Reviews


In an early effort to encourage some blogging, I bought a subscription to The promise to myself was that every movie would be reviewed. This was broken quicker than the one I gave my girlfriend about not digging out great lumps of snot from my nose and wiping it on the side of sofa. Sadly, my first attempt (an intelligent critique of Die Hard 4.0) was so curmudgeonly cynical it depressed me even more than Justin Long’s face. A succession of stinkers didn’t help things (worth mentioning the honourable exception of The Devil Wears Prada – ah, that reminds me, I think I need to add “banging on about how much I love Anne Hathaway” on to this list) and so I ended up not really bothering. A new promise will be that the next movie review I write will NOT rely on sarcy comments and crude similes. Saying that, my last cinema trip took me to Transformers 2 and what Michael Bay doesn’t know about story-telling, character, emotion and, well, good directing, he more than makes up for in gargantuan action sequences that offer the depth of a brownie’s vagina – without offering any satisfaction.

2. Geek Fury

Over the past few months, I’ve been growing increasingly frustrated by the nonsense buzz surrounding Google’s Android operating system. I own a Google phone and it’s alright – definitely deserving of some noise, particularly some clamour over when another update will arrive that fixes some of the more obvious annoyances and preferably gives it a prettification. However, I don’t understand all this hype around rocking Android on a bloody netbook. For the non-geek, Android is an operating system for a touchscreen phone that offers a messy, bloated, impossible-to-navigate app store selling mostly pointless and overpriced apps useful only on a mobile phone. It seems to offer nothing for a netbook. Stop it.

3. My mates have released a new EP!

My buddies, making up the crunktastic two-piece Apologies, I Have None, recently released a new EP, Two Sticks and Six Strings. In the words of Flood and Drought: “They are friendship, freedom, fun and passion and their music personifies this ethos. This EP is flesh and bone and this band is testament to the candor and mettle that turns van wheels, stokes throats and moves cold feet across this country chasing the map.” Great work, guys.

4. Plenty of fucked-up shit from

Every day I don’t write a post is a day when I don’t share some brilliance from the warped mind-stems of the Cracked word pits. Case in point: The 5 Most Baffling Sex Scenes in the History of Fan Fiction. Where else on the internet would you find such a lovingly crafted article about insanity like this:

Tom [Riddle – AKA Lord Voldemort from Harry Potter] remembered how good he’d felt the previous night, how good Indiana’s [as in Indiana Jones’] cock had made him feel. He gave Indiana a lopsided grin. “We could play cards. Or we could discuss music.” He got up on his knees and pushed Indiana down on the sand. “Or we could make magic,” he whispered, slipping his wand from his pocket.

[Hmm…this article seems to have been taken down – probably due to the intensely disturbing nature of the content. Not put off? View the cached page here]

5. Banging on about how much I love Anne Hathaway


*Sigh* she’s just so lovely. My thesaurus broke trying to find the right words to describe her. An understated icon-in-the-making? A future Mrs. C. Fish? Maybe. Though I don’t really agree with marriage. Do you have to be gay to have a civil partnership? That’s discrimination that is. Sorry Annie, I love you but I don’t think I’m ready for that kind of commitment. One day, people will talk about this great love that could never be…


6. Dangerously stupid Americans in a position of authority and influence

7. Atheist Activism

Let’s face it, God probably doesn’t exist. To clear this up, I say probably in the really rather strong sense to mean the existence of a God character is hugely unlikely and massively illogical. I know many people who agree with this view and yet they persist in granting unnecessary levels of respect to religion. Sure, there is a bit of a conflict between the liberal “respecting other cultures and all that shit” stance and the atheist “you believe in, like, an invisible space-dwelling, super Dumbledore?” view, but I’m fed up of otherwise rational people conceding secular ground to the religious types. Try this on for size: religion deserves no more respect and sensitivity than any other opinion, belief, passion, fashion, trend, or fad. Even hard-bitten atheists would reluctantly accept that it’s acceptable for religious studies to be taught in schools. Fuck that. I had to do R.E. for much of my secondary school and there was absolutely no point, other than to try and grant some sort of respectability and authority to the Bible. I want to be more of an Atheist Activist and make more of an effort to kick religion in the nuts.

8. fuckyeahskinnybitch

An almost bottomless supply of hot sluts in fine cuts – passed on by STNF. Fuckyeahskinnybitch really shows off the primary purpose of Tumblr – skinny bitches. Fuck yeah.

I’ve got another 14 things I wanted to get through in this post, but I guess that’ll have to wait for another time. Coming soon… Another 14 things I might’ve written about over the last three months if I could’ve been bothered.

Five possible Hollywood plots based on social media

As much as we all respect the quality and originality of work emerging from that bastion of down to earth sensibility Hollywood, we must admit that the geniuses that live there are prone to latch on to easy to reach fads and rinse them for all they’re worth (and beyond). Recent examples of this are Parkour (Die Hard 4, Casino Royale), Cyber-terrorism (Die Hard 4, Eagle Eye), Patriotism (Die Hard 4, Spiderman) and Hacking (included as a plot device in every film featuring computers since the dawn of time, and Die Hard 4).

Despite their apparent enthusiasm for such popular crazes, film producers rarely get the opportunity to fully understand the theme they’re shamelessly raping for profit. It’s not really their fault. Their minds are so fucked up through a dangerous cocktail of cocaine, casting couch blowjobs and listening to Michael Bay talk shit all the time, they’re totally adrift in an ocean of opulence and ignorance. Poor buggers.

Nevertheless, it’s a symbol of acceptance to have your passion (cyber-terrorism?) exploited by big white guys in suits. Which makes it strange that social media has yet to be substantially misconceived by any big budget Hollywood shitefest. Fuck, even the Nintendo Power Glove got turned into a film starring kids with freakily big heads!

Possibly, Hollywood’s reluctant to turn the spotlight on something that frequently tears their shitty business practices to pieces (other than making the internet in some way responsible for almost destroying the world – Die Hard 4). Alternatively, they may be simply unaware that social media even exists (coke, head, bay, remember?).

To make it easy for them, I’ve taken five popular uses of social media and built plots based around them using some of the industry’s favourite storylines. Evil Hollywood producer, I’d like my royalties paid for in casting couch head and hard drugs please. Keep Bay at bay.

1 – eBay

Title – Best Match

(That’s an obscure eBay reference picked up on the eBay glossary)

Tagline – “This Fall, make a bid for love”

The Plot – Seth Grogan (playing a lovable loser who’s recently broken up with his girlfriend) winds up getting put up for sale on eBay by his hilariously whacky housemate to make some weed money. At first reluctant, Grogan agrees thinking he has nothing to lose. As a bidding war erupts between a hottie and an older woman (who keeps asking questions that cause Grogan to do that facial expression he knows), the audience know who’s gonna win in the end (they’ve seen the trailer). Long story short, our hero winds up as the love bitch of some sugar momma (possibly played by silver vixen Helen Mirren) while his ex-girlfriend (umm…Katherine Heigl?) tries to win him back.

The Twist – Seeing how he’s making his girlfriend jealous, Grogan starts playing up to Mirren only to realise (after much comedy) that she’s really the one for him. Chicks love this shit.

Best line – Grogan after being told about the eBay offer:

Grogan – (Angrily) I can’t believe this! (Pause) (Asks timidly) So how much is the minimum bid?

Housemate – Five bucks.

Grogan – Five bucks!! Five bucks!! You’re selling my body to desperate, lonely women and all you’re asking for is five lousy bucks!?

Housemate – Dude, this is eBay! People don’t buy any old crap!

(Yep, that’s the best line…)

Best scene – Easter Egg during the credits: Mirren and Grogan kissing and cheering after succesfully bidding for a child on eBay.

Why it’s ridiculously Hollywood – Selling people on eBay is strictly off limits sadly.

2. Twitter

Title – Runaway911

Tagline – “What are YOU doing?”

The Plot – Six Twitterers are simultaneously contacted by a mysterious user (Runaway911) pleading for their help. At first most of the Twitter people ignore the messages but soon they are drawn in by the frequent tweets that describe brutal and frequent torture. Led by a widower social worker (Jodie Foster) the six tweeters have to find out who this person is, where they are and why they are the ones who’ve been contacted. As the story unfolds, they start to find themselves picked off one by one by an unknown killer…

The Twist – The contacted Twitter users ARE connected! Unknown to them, they were all together a year ago on the 9th November and ignored the pleas of a desperate and rough-looking street-walker who cried for their help. They didn’t care and that woman ended up tortured and killed that very night. Runaway911 (911 – 9th November, get it?) is the sister of that woman exacting a brutal and ironic revenge on the people who refused to help her sister because of her appearance (Runaway – double meaning alert! Not only does it relate to the streetwalker who ran away from home and ended up murdered but it also could be read as Run Away… a hidden warning to the tweeterers! Wow! Layered!). Jodie Foster finds out too late and the movie ends with a new tweet popping up on her account simply echoing the supposed torture victimes first message: ‘help me’.

The Deep Message – Blah blah blah it’s all about how we judge appearances in real life and how the relative anonymity offered by social media blah blah blah. Can we get closer to people we’ve never met? That’s a shitty tagline in waiting.

Best Scene –
Probably the thrilling trailer (the film will, of course, be a disappointment). Though the epic montage/flashback scene when Foster figures everything out will be pretty ace. Mix in a couple of slanty, zoomed-in shots on Twitter messages while echoy voices repeat some of the more obvious clues over a crescendo-reaching soundtrack.

Why it’s ridiculously Hollywood – Who the fuck would use Twitter to ask for help!? And how did the sister ever find out who was on that street? Why do they all use Twitter? Ridiculous. Would/could never happen. Perfect film fodder.

3. Crowdsourcing

Title –

(That is an offensively awful title – quick post a booby pic to make people forget it…)

A bittersweet tale of a beautiful American girl (played by Scarlett Johansson – seriously, someone that hot should have a name I can spell in search engines) who moved to London with the dreams of becoming a model. One year later she’s a drug addicted prostitute (noticing a worrying theme in my material here) who’s beaten, abused and ignored by polite society. Online however, she’s the most respected and beloved figure on a crowdsourcing site ( offering help, advice and support to others in need. We follow her misery in the real world while catching glimpses of the joy she gives to others as her life intersects with her better off helpees across the city.

The Tragic Ending – She dies after a savage beating and nobody cares or notices except other users of that terribly named website. The nurse who describes her as “just another roughed up junkie whore” when they wheel her dead body away is revealed to be a woman Scarlett has spent much of the movie helping.

The Ambiguity – Our heroine died with a smile on her face. Was that because someone had finally helped her (by ending her persistently miserable existence) or was the joy she gave others enough to make her feel her life was worth living? We’ll never know. Well, I know. Maybe.

The Best Scene – To be honest, I’m getting really depressed just thinking about this film so I think I’ll forget which wrist-slittingly depressing scene is best and move onto the next plot which stars Megan Fox and no dead hookers.

4. YouTube

Title – Stream2Scream


The Plot – Jamie Bell is an just an ordinary American teenager. He’s got a ridiculously hot girlfriend (played by Megan Fox) and a bunch of stereotypical friends (these come as standard in the suburbs). They start to watch this YouTube meme of an apparent serial killer posting videos of him threatening murder and then posting the videos of the deed being committed. The killer (Stream2Scream – yes, another username title but that is how a cliche becomes tired) wears a gas mask with a mohawk made from forks and speaks in iambic pentameter. The channel receives comments and video messages of people cheering him on or criticising him (in that inane video response way). Bell and buddies join in the fun until one of them is targeted! His own girlfriend! Now it’s a race against time for him to find and stop the killer before his girlfriend becomes just another viral vid.

The Best Scene
– Megan Fox dancing around in her underwear to The Divinyls I Touch Myself. I did write a pretty good justification for that scene but I figured it’s not really necessary.

The Twist – Bell races to save her but she’s already been killed – the video is pre-recorded! (Fuck, Saw II beat me to that). The killer was Bell all along! (Fuck, done to death). Megan Fox is the killer! (Not bad – to a relative standard of bad). Umm…aliens?

Why it’ll be cool and cause controversy – Copycat videos on YouTube of people imitating the killer.

Why it is ridiculously Hollywood – Obviously, YouTube wouldn’t let anyone post videos of them murdering people. And they could be tracked easily via IP and arrested so it isn’t the most intelligent form of serial killering gimmickry. Also, to make this film even remotely entertaining and “chilling”, most of the killers actions would be mostly impossible – unless you take into account the twist ending. Which is ridiculous in itself. Still, Hollywood would love this. Activists will be screaming for YouTube to be shutdown following the premiere.

5. Blogging

Title – Blogged

– (Obvious title, but that fits – it’ll use a digitalish font and probably be green though, which is COOL – Unlike this weird picture below)


Tagline – “Free speech never cost so much”

Bah. This is so painfully unoriginal I’m throwing up on myself whilst writing it. Seriously.

The Plot – Shia LeBeouf (who else, really?) plays the same character he always does but this time is a blogger. He’s a big name in the blogosphere and enjoys his edgy rep. Note that this movie puts blogging as the new hacking, so LeBeouf goes to trendy underground clubs filled with models and dresses like he has something against living cows. Regardless, he’s happy and trying to hit on the love interest (another blogger, played by Mila Kunis) until (da-dum) he somehow gets access to something that could bring down someone. Ahem. Seriously, that shit just writes itself after that point. He’s now in a race for his life against some shadowy agency (with a duo of semi-useless agents who offer light comedic relief) while being helped by an anonymous blog legend: DNQ/DNP (pronounced Dink-Donp).

Cue some overcool scenes of him updating his blog, uploading pics (“come on! come on!”), and generally being a social media sorcerer. Stuff happens until he gets the girl and saves the day. Yawn. Highlights below:

Agency hacks his online life and ruins everything (“Dude, this is serious. Your secondlife avatar washed up dead this morning. They made it look like virtual suicide”).

There’s one shot when you think Mila Kunis might be more than just quite cute, but then it passes.

Stuff blows up and there’s a nail-biting snowmobile chase through New York (don’t ask me how or why) that is followed by bloggers using Google Maps (artistic license!)

Beoufo eventually eludes them long enough to post the full account of what happened (after the edge-of-your-seat drama of trying to find free wireless). Nailbiting scene of him trying to finish typing as the bad guys run up the stairs. They destroy the computer. “Too late, this shit isn’t on my computer man! This is in the blogosphere now! Half the world’s already seen it!”

The Twist – Underground blog legend, DNQ/DNP is 13 years old. But he’s mean with a pair of nunchucks.

Geek Money Shot – Shia LeBuff has been captured by the bad guys but was first able to post his account online. Epic montage scene of bloggers across the world reading the post and passing it on. Within minutes the FBI arrive and rescue our hero. The power of the blogosphere! Seconds later Shia’s blogging buddy phones him: “Dude, your story is on the front page of Digg!”

Why it is ridiculously Hollywood – Because it’s the worst idea for a film ever. To be honest, I probably didn’t misrepresent bloggers enough with this one to make it suitable for the suits. Anyway, Hollywood will probably go with a “true story” about some blogger going to prison. Then the tagline I came up with would work better. Did you notice it didn’t make much sense? Bah, pay attention.

Jumper – Reviewed like a bitch


Jumper appears to be a story about a secret war between a group of people who have the ability to teleport and a sect of religious fanatics who hunt them. In fact, this movie is just the five-minute introductory narrative of the sequel, stretched over a mind-numbingly uneventful two hours. Put your mind to the opening of Star Wars, where the back story of the movie rolls away dramatically into the distance. Now, imagine fleshing out the back story of Star Wars into a fully-fledged movie (or three) and deciding to stick Hayden Christensen in the lead role – yep. It’s that bad.

That’s not to say that Jumper is worse than The Phantom Menace – it’s just as soulless and devoid of charm as Christensen himself. This coupled with the fact that the movie was clearly never intended to be anything more than the first part of a trilogy, makes this about as memorable as the second girl you fingered at a party. To be honest, I saw the movie almost a week ago and can only remember the parts that featured in the trailer in any detail. To save the effort of going to the cinema, you may as well watch the trailer and then try wanking off a paraplegic for the next hour and fifty-five minutes to experience both the mildly entertaining bits and the sensation of utter pointlessness you get from sitting through it.

The moment with the bus was easily the high point…of the trailer. In the actual film, that set piece was glossed over with the kind of misplaced confidence displayed by Lindsey Lohan getting her tits out and dressing up like Marilyn Monroe. Speaking of dumb bitches, Summer from the O.C. won the Crunkfish award for least-productive on-screen cum-receptacle of the year, which is either because she’s a terrible actress or the director must have lost his notes that alluded to her character’s personality.

Other reviewers might say something about Samuel L. Jackson and Jamie Bell working hard to bring life to the stale cast – but fuck them. Those two were paid to be in that pile of crap while I was stiffed six quid to watch it. They should either pay me my money back or promise never to appear in a shit movie again – and that goes doubly for you, Jackson.

In conclusion, watching Jumper is preferable to giving a rimjob to an incontinent baboon while riding an aids-sufferer across the Sahara desert in your mum’s wedding dress. But so is watching Terminator 2 for the millionth time – so do that instead.